Fic: Of Life & Love (Part V)
Feb. 3rd, 2013 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boxxsaltzTitle: Of Life & Love
Author: boxxsaltz
Rating: PG-13;R
Pairing(s): Jessica/Tiffany
Summary: A tale through life of love found, tested, lost, and the mending of the heart.
AN: beta credits to the lovely Kissos & mldcmx
Part V: Day Break
It started the morning after Jessica broke down at the coffee shop.
Sitting up on the couch, Jessica blinked up at the spindly woman walking out of her bathroom.
The look on Sooyoung’s face was full of horror as she wiped a hand across her mouth, clearing away the remains of toothpaste.
“I’m sorry,” she all but yelled. “I didn’t mean to stay over but I sort of fell asleep and you had an extra toothbrush- I swear I didn’t steal anything.”
“It’s okay,” Jessica waved it off. She was having an emotional hangover. The kind that kept her eyes from opening fully after crying them into red puffs, and her body was a little sluggish for letting everything vomit out of her in nasty sobs.
Sooyoung blinked, her shoulders stiff. Jessica eyed her clothes. She didn’t remember Sooyoung in those pajama bottoms and t-shirt. She had gone through her drawers too. Jessica blushed.
“I can go now…”
“Have you eaten breakfast yet, or were you on your way to the kitchen now?”
“I-” Sooyoung shifted her weight, shy smile creeping onto her face. “No, I haven’t eaten.”
Jessica pushed on a smile. “How does cereal sound?”
-/-/-/-
“No!” Jessica snatched one of Tiffany’s CDs from Seohyun’s hands. The girl glared at her for the thousandth time that day. Jessica hugged the CD to her chest, frowning.
Seohyun sighed. “Unnie, don’t be like this.”
“We can’t throw this away,”
“It’s not yours-” Seohyun narrowed her eyes to read the label between Jessica’s arms. She deadpanned, “and you don’t even like trot music.”
“So?”
Seohyun sighed, brushing her freshly cut fringe out of her lashes. “You asked me to help you, but I can’t do that properly if you’re going to fight me on everything.”
“We can’t just throw her things out,” Jessica protested.
“We can donate them,” said Seohyun. Jessica made a face. “I’ll give them back to her. Is that okay?”
“Fine,”
“I know this is hard, unnie, but this will help.”
“Help what?”
“Move on,” were the unspoken words between them.
Jessica hadn’t even entertained the thought of moving on. Not until she woke up to someone new and laughed casually over cereal with a fresh morning face did she even feel like she was her own person again.
The amount of clutter she and Seohyun had gone through over the weeks that belonged to not only Tiffany, but the both of them, showed just how much she had integrated and woven her own life and identity into who Tiffany was. Watching her house be purged of those things with the flick of Seohyun’s wrist and a toss of a garbage bag onto the curb had left Jessica feeling empty and hollow.
“You should really stop sleeping on the couch,” Seohyun muttered as a set of ticket stubs to a concert she and Tiffany attended were stuffed into a trash bag. “It’s really not good for your back.”
“Neither is a mattress on the floor,” because she had taken the bed frame apart and thrown it out herself a few days ago.
She had done it in a fit of tears as the memories of when they got the thing years ago all flooded back. But she had done it, and the smile Seohyun gave her made Jessica feel particularly accomplished.
“Next weekend we can get you a new one,” said Seohyun.
“Yes, unnie,” Jessica teased, and Seohyun huffed as a stuffed bear Jessica didn’t even know was hidden in the back most corner of her closet was suffocated in a garbage bag.
Jessica held on fine as they continued to throw things away, but as soon as she saw a set of dusty crutches get pulled from the storage closet, Jessica hid herself in the bathroom, crying until Seohyun came and got her promising,
“Everything is gone. She’s all gone,”
The next morning, Jessica watched from the window as the garbage man came by and picked everything up.
-/-/-/-
Asking the barista if she had a truck, only for her to ask another friend if she had one, had been a whole lot of awkward.
Jessica stood on the porch, watching Sooyoung wave Taeyeon on, so she could back up into the driveway without running over anything.
“Where do you want’er?” Asked Sooyoung, loudly. She was wearing one of those jumpers the mechanics wore and a blue cap to match.
“I wanted to look the part,” Sooyoung had explained to Jessica’s raised eyebrows as they waited for the men to load the truck down at the furniture store.
Taeyeon had scoffed at that. “She still thinks she can act. Her theatre teachers thought otherwise. Isn’t that right, drama school dropout?” She sang the last part to the tune of a musical song she remembered Tiffany had made her watch once.
Jessica shook the memories away and focused worriedly on Taeyeon and Seohyun tugging the bed frame box out of the bed of the pick-up.
“Uh, bedroom?”
“Right,” Sooyoung nodded curtly. She tugged the bill of her hat down. “Taeyeon, lift with your knees! Aigoo!” She hurried over to help the two.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” Taeyeon snapped back. It took particularly longer than necessary for them to get the frame into the house, and even longer for Sooyoung to stop pestering Taeyeon who was trying to use the directions to put the pieces together.
The guitarist threw Sooyoung and Jessica out of the room and shut the door on her and Seohyun to finish the task.
“Uh,” Jessica walked back into the living room with a take-out menu and phone in hand. Sooyoung sat disgruntled on the couch watching TV. “Should we order out?”
Jessica hadn’t had this many people in her kitchen, eating out a cartons of Chinese take-out since the lot of relay girls had filled up her walls with laughter.
Though those walls were empty and stripped now, Jessica couldn’t help but feel she liked Sooyoung’s smug laughter, Taeyeon’s cackle, and Seohyun’s uneasy giggles a little more.
“Yah!” Taeyeon swatted Sooyoung’s sneaky fingers away from her food with her chopsticks.
“Stingy,” she muttered and picked a piece of chicken off Jessica’s plate.
“Don’t humor her, Jessica,” Taeyeon warned through a mouthful. “She’ll just keep coming back for more.”
Jessica smiled at the way Sooyoung’s cheeks tinted pink, and she silently picked out of her own carton of food the rest of the night.
-/-/-/-
Sooyoung came over a lot.
“Your place is closer to work,” was her excuse. Jessica knew otherwise.
Like the fact Sooyoung loved to poke her nose around in her fridge and pantry. She walked into Jessica’s house like it was her own. She’d kick her shoes off haphazardly by the door and plop on the couch like it was the most familiar thing to her.
She’d fall asleep sometimes, too, with a can of cola in hand and an empty bowl of popcorn in her lap.
Jessica laughed softly to herself as she moved the bowl onto the coffee table then went to remove the can when Sooyoung gripped her wrist. Jessica froze, staring into drowsy eyes.
“Soo?”
“Hm?”
“What’re you…” She felt herself getting pulled down, a pink pair of lips drawing closer and closer.
Her eyes focused on the way Sooyoung licked away the chapped skin on her bottom lip and tilted her head up. She was making a bold move, but when Jessica flashed a look up to her eyes, they were anything but.
“You can hit me later for this, okay?” Sooyoung murmured. Jessica’s reply was sucked away as their lips met.
Salt and butter were fresh on her tongue, and Jessica was reminded of awkward high school dates at the movie theatre where they were both too scared to even hold hands.
However there was no awkwardness in the way Sooyoung tilted her head and urged Jessica to kiss her back, pleading with her lips not to leave her hanging. But Jessica couldn’t do that, not when she felt a sort of spark jolt from her lips to her toes.
Lifting a hand, she cupped Sooyoung’s face, holding her steady. Her skin was hot under her fingertips, the heat fueled by the fire beneath her cheeks. A tongue teased her lip and Jessica opened her mouth.
She felt Sooyoung tense and her breath hitch as their tongues met, and Jessica grinned. Pressing against Sooyoung’s shoulder, Jessica eased her back against the cushion and lowered herself down, straddling Sooyoung’s waist with her knees and bit into the kiss.
It was fresh and it was exciting. It was sweet and it was timid. It was inviting and it was exhilarating.
Jessica broke from the kiss a panting mess, foreheads still pressed together and breathing ragged.
“Wow,” Sooyoung muttered, licking her lips.
Jessica smiled but on the inside she was a cluster of unexplained emotions. Like the fact she didn’t think she should feel like this with Sooyoung, that the year that had passed after she broke up with Tiffany wasn’t enough time for her to create any feelings for Sooyoung.
But there was something there, she knew. She could feel it simmering under the surface, heating her up slowly like a burner set on low, reminding her of how she had never felt such a thing in a kiss. It was all so promising and innocent and passionate. It left her lungs heaving and stomach fluttering. It left her lips tingling and her ears buzzing.
The ache between her legs was there but it was dull. It wasn’t at the forefront of her mind. It wasn’t what she wanted to hurry and take care of. All she wanted was to look into those eyes, hold those trembling hands, and kiss those lips to figure out and understand what these hidden feelings had to offer.
“Jessica?”
“Kiss me,” she whispered, bumping their noses together and closed her eyes as Sooyoung complied.
She shaped their lips together, and Jessica allowed herself to be taken away once again; let herself be taken away like black coffee and three sugars did on her darkest nights in the coffee shop and the fragrance of nutmeg and vanilla had when she was absolutely empty.
As unsure hands planted themselves on her hips to hold her steady, there was nothing bleeding into the moment that took her back to the one who had been all and every one of Jessica’s first.
Like the way Sooyoung’s teasing jokes and taunting banter, Jessica felt herself taken away completely, giving her a fresh sort of newness and a whispering request of something different and unexpectedly great.
“You can hit me now,” Sooyoung panted, pulling back.
Jessica wrapped her arms around her neck, not even daring to open her eyes and shatter what was happening. “Just shut up and kiss me.”
-/-/-/-
Submerging herself in work had been the one thing that helped Jessica the most.
For some time she had forgotten the therapeutic effects that holding a camera to her eye and snapping pictures had been for her. She forgot how creating a story with a still image made her feel in tune with herself and life around her. She forgot that those classes she had taken in college weren’t just background noise to the crazy relationship she had with Tiffany, but actually amounted to something.
It was the result of her putting herself completely back into her craft that she was asked to head the Fashion section of their annual company gathering. The one with names so high Jessica didn’t dare speak without formalities. The one where her name would be under all the photos taken of models in attire she had picked out and make-up she had directed.
It was comical, Jessica thought, the fact she had ended up doing something with fashion despite what she used to believe. But this was her chance to show others what she had and maybe even get her out of the magazine and into personal photography.
Like become a freelancer, requested upon by other companies and agencies, and work out of her own studio loft with the dark room she had always wanted.
Wishful thinking, she knew, but that didn’t keep her from taking the camera from one of the photographers and snapping away pictures on her own.
“That’s good,” said Jessica, standing up and dusting her pants off. “Let’s take fifteen,” she dismissed the photographers and models surrounding the set and handed the camera back to the boy she had plucked it from. Hopefully he understood her vision now.
“The last model says she’ll be here soon,” said Seohyun, passing her a cup of coffee then sipped at a bottle of water. “She says she’s stuck in traffic.”
“Okay, thanks,” Jessica walked over to the computers that already had a reel of photos on it.
“Why are you so happy this morning?” Asked Seohyun, following after her.
Jessica turned over her shoulder, eyebrow lifting. “Am I?”
Seohyun’s lips pursed. “Were you drinking again this morning?”
“No,”
“Then what’s going on?” Seohyun narrowed her eyes, tugging Jessica away from the computer.
She didn’t need to look at them yet anyway. She’d only get frustrated and start the entire shoot over again. Thanks to Seohyun, her staff wouldn’t have to deal with that.
“Were you drinking last night?”
“No?” Jessica’s brow furrowed then shook her head. She was passed nights of binge drinking. “A little. Sooyoung stayed over again last night,”
A light went off behind Seohyun’s eyes that Jessica didn’t particularly like. “By stayed over do you mean…”
“No,” Jessica said quickly, glancing over her shoulder a moment. “We didn’t. We’re not like that.”
“You should use better make up when you’re under these lights,” Seohyun pointed to the side of her neck. Jessica blushed. “Are you two together?”
“No,”
“Why not?” Seohyun screwed the cap back onto her water. “It’s been a year since Tiffany-unnie,”
Jessica scrunched her nose, the sugar in her coffee suddenly tasting bitter. “Half of that since we actually stopped sleeping together,”
“Sooyoung makes you happy,”
“She’s funny,” Jessica tried to sound indifferent, but there was lightness in her voice she couldn’t mask. “She makes me laugh,”
“Is that all?” Seohyun tugged down the collar of Jessica’s shirt exposing the faint mark on her collarbone. Jessica swatted her hand away. “Give it a chance, unnie,”
“I shouldn’t have- we shouldn’t- it keeps happening and it shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re not together,”
“If I remember, you’re not above a one-night stand,”
Jessica’s face fell, her body seizing at the memory. She didn’t think Seohyun would strike such a low blow, but Seohyun did have the habit of stating the harder facts to point out things Jessica refused to acknowledge.
She allowed the sting of those words to fade away and get lost with all the other things that had happened in those days months and months ago.
“Sooyoung isn’t like that,” said Jessica, quietly.
“I know,” Seohyun sighed.
“You should see how nervous she is,”
“Reminds you of someone?” Seohyun teased and Jessica felt herself flush. She had been such a timid little girl with Tiffany. “If she’s waited for you this long, don’t you think she’s worth a try? How many free drinks is it really going to take?”
“I’m not ready,”
“I think you are,” said Seohyun. “You’re just scared. That’s okay, unnie. You want someone who will make the decisions for you.”
“No, I don’t,” Jessica snapped.
Seohyun only raised an eyebrow, continuing to dangle the bait in front of Jessica. “Isn’t that what you’re used to?”
Jessica glared, the burn of Seohyun’s words slowly ebbing into an ache in her chest. “I think I liked you better when you never talked.”
“I’m sorry, unnie, but I’m tired of seeing you like this. Not that Sooyoung-unnie will fix everything, but she’s already been so good to you.” Seohyun frowned taking Jessica’s empty cup of coffee and placed her empty water bottle in it to throw away. “Tiffany-unnie moved on. You can too. It’s okay.”
Jessica opened her mouth to say something when Seohyun’s phone rang. She saw the model’s name flash across the screen just before she raised it to her ear and hurried off to lead the late arrival to where they were.
“Breaks over, everyone!” Jessica called out. “Let’s get back to work,”
-/-/-/-
“Could you stare any harder?” Jessica teased.
Seohyun’s chin slipped off the heel of her hand, her head whipping away from where Taeyeon’s band was setting up at some venue just outside of the city. Sooyoung had been the one to invite them, but as per usual, Sooyoung was late leaving Jessica and Seohyun at the bar alone.
“I’m not staring,” Seohyun protested.
Jessica smirked. She glanced back over to Taeyeon who was directing Henry on where to set the Cajon Box while Amber tuned the guitars. “I think you should go for it,”
“Unnie,” Seohyun grimaced, ducking her head and blushing into her martini.
Jessica picked her rum and coke off the counter. “Taeyeon’s nice,”
Seohyun’s face dropped. “So is Sooyoung-unnie,”
Jessica let out a long frustrated breath. “Are you going to lecture me again?”
“No,” Seohyun sat down her glass, licking her lips. “But I will remind you not to have a hangover in the morning. Sunbaenim wants to see some of the prints you’re thinking about putting up in the gallery.”
“Seohyun-ah,” Jessica groaned, running a hand through her honey blonde hair. Not as bright as the previous shade but not as dark as she’d like. “What did I tell you about talking business while we’re out?”
Seohyun shrugged. “I’m only doing my job,”
“Too well,” Jessica muttered dryly into her glass.
“Oh,” Seohyun perked up. “Unnie’s here,” she threw up a hand, waving at Sooyoung who entered the door.
Turning around, Jessica felt the breath get sucked out of her lungs when she spotted Sooyoung weaving through the crowd up to them.
“Sorry, I’m late,” she announced, breathlessly as she stripped her coat and slid onto one of the barstools. She folded her coat in her lap and turned to the bartender, spouting off some concoction of a drink.
Turning to them, Sooyoung flashed a wide smile, head shaking so beads of water from the rain went flying out of her freshly cut, short hair. It waved around her face, strands sticking to her cheeks and forehead that she quickly removed with the tips of her fingers.
“You didn’t say you were getting a haircut,” said Seohyun, admiring it.
Sooyoung wrinkled her nose, fingers running through the dark hair that framed her face. “I wasn’t going to, but Suzy caught me up at her place and wanted to try cutting hair…”
The rest of the conversation was lost on Jessica. Her eyes remained stuck on Sooyoung’s hair, following the way it curved around her cheeks and hooked under her chin. She took in the color, a deep, deep brown nearly black that brought out the pink of her cheeks and the lively, flesh tones in her lips.
Wide eyes flashed over to her across from Seohyun accompanied by a wide smile that made the bottoms of her eyes bow upward just barely and all Jessica could see in that moment was Tiffany.
Tiffany in those years in that apartment when she chopped off her hair.
“A new beginning!” She had said when she came home and Jessica nearly dropped the knife on her foot at the shock it had given her.
She felt her heart begin to ache in her chest when she remembered those days. The ones she spent fighting to keep Tiffany at arms-reach and not miles away back in the states. She remembered the tears she brushed from those eyes and the quiver in those lips as Jessica kissed woes away.
She couldn’t help but remember the absence of separation between the two of them. Always stuck to each other’s side much to Hyoyeon’s chagrin. They were hardly seen without the other, always holding hands, touching, looking, and brushing against one another.
It was when their smiles came the easiest and the world seemed unbreakable by no outside force.
Oh, how wrong they were, Jessica thought.
“Unnie?” Jessica’s eyes snapped up to see Seohyun staring worried down at her.
Just behind her, Jessica could see Sooyoung watching her just as attentively. Jessica had to blink a few times before she saw only Sooyoung there and not the shadow of Tiffany shrouding her features.
“Unnie, they’re about to play,” Seohyun’s voice brought her eyes away from Sooyoung. “We should hurry and get a seat closer.”
“Yeah. Right. We should move,” Jessica nodded. She slid off the stool to follow and panicked when Seohyun began to pull away from them. “Where are you going?”
“To the restroom,” Seohyun’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll be right back.” She smiled reassuringly and walked away.
Following Sooyoung, they found a table near the front and sat down. Across the way, she could feel Sooyoung’s eyes on her.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,”
“Sorry, I was late,”
“That’s okay,” she pushed on a smile. “I, uh, like your haircut,”
“Thanks,” bright teeth poked from behind smiling lip as Sooyoung ran a hand through her hair again.
Jessica looked away from the blush that had painted itself on Sooyoung’s cheeks and turned to the band that had started to play. Their sound filled up the room, whisking away the tense atmosphere and brought a lightness to Jessica as Taeyeon and Henry’s voices lifted up.
Chairs screeched as Seohyun found the table, and Sooyoung moved to allow her room, putting her next to Jessica. Nutmeg and vanilla clashed with beer and tequila, but Jessica could still smell it off Sooyoung’s skin, taking her back to the night Sooyoung had held her in her arms as she cried. And just like that, Tiffany was erased.
“Do you like it?” Asked Sooyoung, catching Jessica’s eye. She cocked her head toward the band. “They’re good, right?”
Jessica nodded at the excited smile on Sooyoung’s face. Like a little kid who was showing off their Show-n-Tell project and wanted the approval of their teacher.
Jessica smirked at the contrast. Of how childlike Sooyoung could seem in times when Tiffany would be smug and make Jessica blush instead of the other way around.
“I think,” she glanced over to see Seohyun watching her. Jessica looked away. “I think I’m going to get more to drink,”
“I’ll get it,” Sooyoung offered before she could get up. “Drinks on me tonight,”
“Unnie, you don’t have to do that,” Seohyun protested, tugging at Sooyoung’s wrist to lead her back down.
“I don’t mind,” she shrugged her arm from Seohyun’s hold and began back toward the bar. Jessica watched her walk away.
“Now who’s staring?” Seohyun quipped, quietly. Jessica glared at her across the table.
-/-/-/-
Sooyoung squeaked as Jessica eased her back against the front door she had just slammed shut.
“Come here,” Jessica muttered. Her voice was low and on the verge of being slurred. She didn’t care. Not when soft lips touched hers and a curious tongue lapped out along sensitive flesh.
She hardly registered the bed that engulfed her as Sooyoung dropped her down and crawled over her. Jessica’s hands flew up, hooking around her neck, and yanked her down into an alcohol-tainted kiss.
She wasn't Tiffany. She wasn't. The long, spindly arms and legs that stretched for miles gave it away. The voice void of husk and the remnants of a native accent gone missing over time away from her home country was a painful reminder. The lips, shaped long and round and not full and plump, were a pleasant, new discovery.
She wasn't Tiffany, but that was okay, Jessica thought. Because Tiffany would already have her completely out of her clothes by now with lips on a crash course down her body.
Tiffany wouldn’t have stopped just shy of pulling off her bra and staring down at her with unfocused eyes and panting breath that shook on each nervous intake. Tiffany wouldn’t lick her lips, blush, and grin a grin full of embarrassment.
“I’m sorry,” said Sooyoung, hovering above her with hands and knees on either side of Jessica’s body. “I’ve never…I’ve never actually done this before.”
Jessica looked up at Sooyoung on top of her and smiled. She found it amusing really. This woman so sure of herself that had been the ringleader amongst her group of friends had flattered.
Sooyoung’s lip pulled between her teeth and her cheeks flushed and blushed and did all sorts of things that Jessica found simply endearing.
Jessica wondered if that was how she looked during her first time. When Tiffany- She had spent the entire night thinking of Tiffany, seeing Tiffany, body yearning for Tiffany, but there she was with something that could be something better.
Jessica sucked in a breath at the thought. Something better. She had known nothing of another’s lips or caress. She didn’t know how much she’d appreciate the difference in tints of cheeks and the unfamiliar wrinkle in furrowed brow.
She didn’t know that someone else could make her feel like someone that could be cherished or cared for. She didn’t know someone could be so patient and careful and promising just in the way the way they let their gaze sweep along Jessica as if she was too good to touch.
“I’m sorry. I’ll get off,” Jessica felt Sooyoung begin to peel herself away and quickly caught onto her arm.
“No, it’s okay,” she said, looking up into those big brown eyes that were so hungry but too scared to take what they wanted. Jessica felt her lips kink into a smile. “We don’t have to…you know.”
“We don’t?”
“No,” Jessica grinned wider when she saw the relief in Sooyoung’s eyes.
She saw the glaze that alcohol brought to them and frowned. The way Sooyoung had taken light steps from becoming an acquaintance, to Jessica’s friend, to maybe something more had been too perfect and timed to rush along now.
“I want you…” she trailed off, reaching up to run her fingers through short hair. It was thick and smooth and tainted with the stench of smoke and beer from the bar. “I want you to remember everything when- if we do.” Jessica whispered.
“Really?” Sooyoung’s eyes fluttered, surprised. As if she had thought they needed to do this. As if being in bed with Jessica would’ve sealed the deal finally.
“Really,” Jessica leaned up, placing a kiss on Sooyoung’s lips. She had had high, loud and fast. She wanted to learn the art of slow, timed, and patience.
Sooyoung smiled. “Me too,” she said. Jessica grinned at the obvious ways her shoulders relaxed.
“When we’re both ready, okay?”
“Okay,” she started to move again when Jessica gripped her.
“Uh,” it was Jessica’s turn to blush. “Could you stay? Maybe?”
“As long as you want,”
Jessica grinned. “Pack a bag next time,”
Lifting up, she pushed Sooyoung to the side, flipping them over and sank down so her hips rested between her legs. Wide eyes stared up at her nervous and full of giddy excitement. Jessica leaned down, capturing her lips and pressed her body flush against the warmth of the one beneath her.
“Does this-” Sooyoung started between kisses. “-mean we’re together?”
Jessica sat up slightly. “I think...” She blinked, weighing the idea in her head. “Yes,”
The smile on Sooyoung’s face was enough to make Jessica laugh out loud. Arms tugging her down, Sooyoung hid her reddened face in her neck.
“I can’t believe she said yes,” Sooyoung murmured, muffled into her neck.
“You’re such a kid,” laughing, Jessica pulled up and turned Sooyoung’s chin so she could kiss her long and deep again.
Slow and steady. She’d feel the last of those chains on her fall away soon enough.
-/-/-/-
It was Jessica who reached for Sooyoung’s hand and pulled her off the couch.
On the chair, Taeyeon strummed her guitar while she sat in Seohyun’s lap who was lounged with her back over one armrest and legs dangled over the other. Jessica placed Sooyoung’s hands on her waist then placed hers around her neck and began to sway with the music.
Sooyoung smirked. “You’re completely off beat,”
“Shut up and enjoy it,”
“I am,” Sooyoung laughed.
A wrong note was struck and Jessica looked over to see what had caused it. From the red of Taeyeon’s cheeks, she was sure Seohyun had finally planted that kiss on the guitarist’s cheek like she had been building up to all night.
“Dorks,” Sooyoung muttered.
“We’re no better. Look at us,”
“But we’re sexy dorks,” Sooyoung grinned, leaning down to kiss Jessica. Her toes curled and her pulse raced as she pulled back breathless.
Jessica cocked an eyebrow at Sooyoung’s focused gaze. “What?”
“You’re so beautiful,”
“Don’t,”
“You’re hideous.” Sooyoung joked and Jessica smacked her in the back of the head. “What was that for? We both know I’m the one with the looks.”
Jessica rolled her eyes, laughing. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I love you.”
They both stopped, staring at each other. Jessica felt her stomach flutter. She felt herself panic. She felt Sooyoung tighten onto her waist keeping her from leaving.
“Really?” Sooyoung said, slowly.
“Really what?”
“Do you?”
“Do I…?”
“Do you…” Sooyoung swallowed, her nervousness just as much as Jessica’s. “Do you love me?” She muttered.
Jessica looked away. “I don’t know,”
“I think you know,”
“Don’t push me,”
“Someone has to,”
Jessica’s eyes narrowed. She weaseled herself out of Sooyoung’s hold and marched off toward the kitchen, passing by Seohyun who plucked the guitar out of Taeyeon’s lap and cupped her face to bring her into a kiss.
“Sica,” she heard behind her.
“Sooyoung, please,” She started, hands gripping the sink. “Do you know how hard this is for me?”
“I’ll never be Tiffany,”
Jessica turned around, hair whipping out of her face as she stared appalled up at Sooyoung standing in the doorway. She blinked.
“I know you-”
“I can feel it.” She muttered, hands burying in the pockets of her shorts. “I can see it in your eyes sometimes when you realize that I’m not her. Like you’re ashamed for even being with me.”
Jessica felt her heart ache. “I’ve never been ashamed of you,”
Sooyoung smiled sadly. “I know Tiffany was your first and she’ll always have a part of you, but I can only be Sooyoung and if that’s not enough tell me now so I can move on.”
Jessica didn’t answer.
Sooyoung leaned against the wall, her eyes on the floor. “If you weren’t sure about being together you-
“That’s not it,” Jessica cut in. “I want to be with you but…can we take this slow? I didn’t mean to say that earlier. I-”
“I get it,”
“No, no you don’t,”
“I do. I shouldn’t-” Sooyoung shook her head, wincing. “I shouldn’t push you,”
“Sooyoung-ah,” Jessica muttered. Walking across the kitchen she took Sooyoung’s face into her hands. Rising on her toes, she pushed up to brush a kiss to her lips. “One step at a time, okay?”
“Okay,” she pushed on a smile, wrapping her arms around Jessica’s waist.
Their lips met again, shaping together in a new way Jessica had already learned to love. There was something about Sooyoung’s kisses. So fresh and new. As if Jessica was the first person she had ever kissed and was still trying to figure what the whole action meant.
“Can I…” she breathed, breaking from the kiss. “Can I ask you something?”
“What?” Sooyoung kissed her forehead.
“How long were-” Jessica blushed. “How long were you waiting?”
Sooyoung grinned. Her grip tightened around Jessica’s waist. “Ever since I couldn’t stop thinking about how good your ass must’ve looked in those jeans.”
“Oh, god,” Jessica laughed. “Are you serious?”
“No,” Sooyoung’s face turned serious. “I knew the night you asked me to go sing karaoke,”
“That was the same night…” she trailed off. That was the same night Tiffany cheated for the first time.
“I’m sorry,”
Jessica shook her head, resting her head on Sooyoung’s chest. “You don’t have to apologize for something she did.”
Sooyoung frowned. “I’m sorry I can’t be as good as her.”
“Don’t ever say that again,” Jessica lifted her head up to stare into Sooyoung’s eyes. She frowned. “Don’t say that again. Do you understand?”
Sooyoung nodded sheepishly. “Yes,”
“Stupid girl,” Jessica rolled her eyes.
“I love you,”
Jessica blinked, blushing as Sooyoung beamed. She pulled away, walking back toward the living room. “Stupid, stupid girl,”
-/-/-/-
She didn’t know why she did it. She didn’t know why she had tricked Seohyun, claiming the box of her photography journals had nothing but old school assignments and projects in them.
At the time when Seohyun was making her toss everything out, she had panicked. There was too much connected to those binders of photos that she couldn’t let go.
But now, as she sat on the floor in her bedroom, tears dripping off her cheeks as she held a picture of her and Tiffany from that week-long swim competition, snapped while the two were sleeping on each other’s shoulders on the bus ride home, Jessica realized what a poor decision it had been to hold onto it.
Her selfishness had made her cling to those pictures and the weak part of her had led her to the box she had made a promise with herself never to open.
Yet, there she was. Pictures littered the floor all around her and she sobbed.
“Jessica?” Sooyoung’s voice rang out through the house.
Jessica tried to pick everything up and put it away, but there was too much. Sooyoung stepped into the bedroom and stopped just on the inside of the door.
Jessica looked up at her, horror in her eyes and apology on her tongue when she saw the way Sooyoung’s face crumple.
“Sooyoung-ah,”
“I’ll leave you alone,”
“Sooyoung, wait, please,” she reached out her arm, fingers stretching as if they’d be able to reach across the distance between them. “Don’t go. I don’t know why…I shouldn’t have- it’s not what you think.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t know,”
“Jessica…” Her name fell off lips in a tired sort of disappointment.
“I don’t want it to be like this,” said Jessica. “Not anymore.”
“Are you sure?” She asked.
Jessica looked up at her, lashes fluttering to blink back to tears that hazed her view. “Yes,”
Grabbing the trashcan by the door, Sooyoung paced across the floor and sat it down at Jessica’s knees. Crouching on the floor, she looked up into Jessica’s eyes.
“You’re sure?” She asked again. Jessica wiped her face, nodding.
Touching a kiss to Jessica’s forehead, Sooyoung began to toss the pictures on the floor into the trashcan. She watched as they went, little by little, memory after memory, were thrown away. Reaching into the box herself, Jessica began to drop photos into the trash, watching the pile steadily rise until the photos had filled the trashcan nearly to the top.
“Jessica,” said Sooyoung, pulling her focus on the discard photos to large, brown eyes. “If this isn’t what you want.”
Jessica shook her head. “It is,” leaning over, she touched a reassuring kiss to Sooyoung’s lips.
Smiling softly, Sooyoung pushed herself off the floor, picking up the trashcan, and stretched down a hand for Jessica to take. Accepting it, she allowed Sooyoung to help her off the floor and lead them out of the room into the back yard.
The warm air licked along Jessica’s skin as she watched Sooyoung place the trashcan in the middle of the grass. In her hand she held a box of matches, picked up from the kitchen on their way out.
Match struck, Jessica gasped as fire blazed, lighting up their faces in the night. She looked up into Sooyoung’s face, reading the uncertainty in her lidded eyes that was made clear by the way the hand holding the match shook.
It was an uncertainty Jessica could all too well understand. The uncertainty if this was right – if Jessica would blow out the match and kick her out.
“Wait,” said Jessica, stopping Sooyoung from dropping the match. “Let…let me do it.”
Reaching out, Jessica took the match out of Sooyoung’s fingers. The flame burned her skin as it continued to eat down the wood, inching nearer and nearer to her finger as she walked closer and closer to the trashcan.
The base of the flame touched her finger just as she dropped it into the pile of pictures and stood back, watching as the fire caught on the corner of a photo and began to spread.
Her eyes stayed drawn on the picture being consumed. She watched as her face was eaten up whole followed by Tiffany’s that had been beside her. She watched, body tense and air caught in her throat, as the fire grew, engulfing her past into a fiery blaze of orange and yellows and left nothing else.
A hand touched hers and she jumped as Sooyoung’s slender fingers teased her clammy palms and Jessica twined their fingers together.
Clouds of smoke lifted up and the stench of charring photography surrounded them reminding Jessica of all the days spent in the dark room developing those images. Seeing them easily melt away only reminded her of how easily things could end. Of how much time she could invest in building something, in making something develop, only for it to all burn away.
“I’m sorry,” Sooyoung muttered.
“No,” Jessica turned to her, pulling Sooyoung into a hug. She buried her face into her chest, breathing her in. No more Tiffany, only Sooyoung. She finally felt free. “Thank you,”
-/-/-/-
Hearing the door creak, Jessica looked up from where she sat crossed legged in the middle of the bed. The fragrance of shower gel wafted out of the bathroom as Sooyoung stood still, lashes blinking in surprise as Jessica stared back at her.
"Is something-”
"Come here," she beckoned, uncrossing her legs and scooting so she sat on the edge of the bed. "Please?" Hitting off the bathroom light, Sooyoung paced over to her.
Reaching out, Jessica gripped her wrist, pulling Sooyoung the rest of the way in until she stood between her legs and Jessica could rest her face against her cloth stomach.
"Are you okay?"
"Mmm," Jessica hummed, running her arms around Sooyoung's waist, rooting her in place. "Just stay like this for a moment."
She took in a deep breath of air, drinking in the coconut of soap that was already starting to be overridden by the forever-present flavors of nutmeg and vanilla.
Lifting her head off her stomach, Jessica tugged at the base of Sooyoung's shirt, inching it up. Maneuvering, Sooyoung helped pull it the rest of the way and off where it crumpled to the floor.
Goose bumps exploded all over exposed skin, and Jessica leaned in, touching a kiss to a pronounced hipbone. She smiled feeling Sooyoung shiver against her and continued a fine trail along her waste from hip to hip, just a few inches above the waistband of her underwear.
Smoothing her hands around, Jessica ran them along Sooyoung's back. She looked up to see lidded eyes silently watching her and the rapid rise and fall of a heaving chest.
"Is this okay?" Jessica whispered as her fingers undid the clasp of Sooyoung's bra. The flaps fell away easily, but she waited for Sooyoung's nod before she tugged it off.
Shoulders tightened and jaws flexed once the fabric was pulled away. She ran her hands along the solid plane of Sooyoung's stomach, teasing the skin just below her breast and dipping back down to rest on her hips.
"Relax, okay?" Jessica cooed, kissing her stomach once again. "Relax,"
She held her eyes on Sooyoung's as she pulled off her own shirt, leaving her in only a pair of night shorts, and dropped it to the floor. Hungry, timid eyes looked over her, and Jessica smiled as she scooted up along the bed.
Settling into the mattress, Sooyoung finally moved. Her lanky arms stretched out, walking her up the length of the bed and knees causing it to sink under her weight.
Taking her face into her palms, Jessica pulled Sooyoung down into a kiss. Those blissful feelings filled her again but Jessica couldn't help but feel like they were stronger. The way her nerves reacted to it was intense, spurring on her actions to tease Sooyoung's lips with a tongue and demand entrance.
Nail scraping down Sooyoung’s back, Jessica felt her moan against her lips, tongue flicking against hers and mixing their tastes together. Bringing her down, Sooyoung’s body lay flush against hers, her hips finding rest between Jessica’s thighs and she shifted so her center rubbed against her hips.
“Sooyoung-ah,” she moaned, running her tongue along the roof of Sooyoung’s mouth and opened her eyes. She brought a hand around, combing short hair out of nervous eyes. She grinned. “I want you,”
Long lashes fluttered. “Really?”
Jessica nodded. “Don’t ever doubt me, okay?”
“Okay,” Sooyoung smiled.
Laughing lightly, Jessica pushed at Sooyoung’s shoulders until she rolled off to lie against the mattress. Climbing on top, Jessica positioned herself above Sooyoung feeling her heart race as she settled her hips between Sooyoung’s legs and ran her hands up along her long torso, teasing her with tips of fingers and the lightest touch of nails.
Sooyoung squirmed beneath her, breath hitching as Jessica ran her hands over pert breasts. She leaned down, taking Sooyoung’s lips with hers, catching her moan on her tongue as she began to massage supple skin under her palms.
Her hips rocked, grinding herself into Sooyoung. A throaty moan left Sooyoung’s throat that sent a familiar wave of heat through her. It bubbled up thick, gripping her around the heart and taking over control of a hand that tickled is way down the length of Sooyoung’s body and teased the flimsy garments she still wore.
Breaking from the kiss, Jessica touched her lips along Sooyoung’s jaw, tasting the flavors of her skin, and dipped down to lap a tongue along the shell of her ear.
“Don’t ever doubt us,” she muttered as her fingers swirled over sensitive flesh she could feel through the girls damp underwear.
She felt Sooyoung nod, her body twitching at the touch, and her heart ramming against her chest, beating up into Jessica and making her swoon.
Looking down into dark eyes, Jessica felt her own breath hitch in her throat as she witnessed the absolute vulnerability Sooyoung displayed. She was stripped down raw for all Jessica to see and it made her shiver. It made her sink down, capturing her lips and unleashing those overwhelming feelings she had kept at bay and bottled up.
She let her emotions spill into Sooyoung as her fingers found hardened skin, and the pads of her fingers pressed into it making the woman below her tense and cant thin hips.
She let everything be milked out of her, flowing through her veins and pouring all into Sooyoung. She held nothing back, but let the last bits of reservation trickle away as walls clenched around her fingers and deliciously, sweet moans filled the air.
“Jessica…” Sooyoung husked as she came undone.
Hearing her name mutter out so pure broke the last of her chains. Hearing her name being uttered off a new pair of lips, so full of love and abandon gripped Jessica heart and yanked it from her chest to let it sink into the woman flush against her, panting and holding her tight leaving not a breath between them.
“Jessica,” Sooyoung whispered, clutching Jessica tight against her chest. “I love you,” The tears in her eyes spilt over the edge and she buried her face into the crook of Sooyoung’s neck. “I love you,”
Jessica wrapped her arms around Sooyoung’s neck, pulling her in as close as she could.
The only thing on her mind, she had never heard those words sound so real, so sincere, so perfect.
-/-/-/-
“Thank you, Mr. Seong,” Jessica bowed, shaking the photographer’s hand. "Your offer sounds like a wonderful opportunity," she smiled, watching as the photographer walked away toward the other end of the gallery.
Letting out a breath, she ran her clammy hands on the sides of her skirt.
"You're doing great, unnie," said Seohyun, passing her a glass of vodka and punched plucked off one of the trays the assistants were walking around with. "Seong JuHoon makes the fourth offer."
"Don't remind me," Jessica sipped at the punch, wishing it were more vodka and less punch.
Her eyes scanned along the gallery, littered with people in fancy dress and keen eyes. It twisted her nerves, making her stomach coil into tight knots as she watched the fashion photographers, editors, consultants, and artist gaze upon her work.
Doing photos for the magazine had been one thing. She never had to see the masses reaction to what she had done. Being able to see people nod and point and shake their heads made Jessica's palms sweat.
Coming into the gallery, Jessica saw Narsha guiding a Son Ga-In over to a series of photos that showcased the vibrancy of colors and patterns of a new fashion-line they were thinking of doing with the next season. Jessica felt her heart rate peak as Ga-In nodded at one of the photos, lifting her hands and pointing at tiny details only the sharpest eyes could detect.
"Maybe she'll make you an offer," Seohyun whispered beside her. Jessica could only nod. Ga-In was one of the many photographers she had studied that she drew inspiration from. "Wait here, I'll see what I can do."
"Don't embarrass me!" Jessica hissed in warning as Seohyun made her way through the crowd, bowing to her sunbaes every now and again.
Turning away, Jessica gazed along the rest of the gallery. A smile pulled to her lips when she found Sooyoung gazing up at a photo that took up nearly an entire wall, all black and white, and absolutely ambiguous to what was happening. She saw Sooyoung's head tilt, the glass of punch in her hand resting lazily against her lips as she tried to decipher what was happening.
"Jessica?"
Jessica stopped mid-step, body ceasing and mind instantly forgetting about walking up to Sooyoung and circling her arms around her from behind.
"Jessica Jung,"
Jessica saw Sooyoung turn over her shoulder, catching sight of Jessica in the middle of the gallery. The way Sooyoung's jaw tightened was all confirmation Jessica needed for the source of the voice calling her from behind.
Offering a shake of the head to Sooyoung, Jessica turned around letting the smiling eyes of Tiffany Hwang greet her like the coming of a truck.
"Tiffany," she said, shake in her voice.
"Hey," she smiled hesitantly as she walked up to her. Jessica's eyes bounced around, darting along the gallery for a sight of Sunny. She didn't find her.
"What're you doing here?"
Her smile turned strained for a moment. "I heard your work was featured in a show. I wanted to see if it was actually the Jessica Jung I knew,"
Jessica nodded, trying to ignore the sincerity in Tiffany’s voice. "How'd you get in?"
"I remember a few people,"
Jessica felt ice fill her veins. Tiffany knew people. Tiffany knew people from the past who would tease Jessica in the office knowing all too well of the things that happened in cubicles between them. She felt her face heat up.
"Wow," Tiffany let out a breath of amazement, eyes pulling away from Jessica to sweep along the gallery. "This is amazing. You did all of this?"
"Yes,"
A blaring smile shined down on her and Jessica couldn't help the flood of emotion it brought her to see Tiffany's obvious approval of her work. It was something she knew the woman had never seen. It wasn't like those fashion, photo-shoots for the magazine or those amateur pictures done in college. This was her - all of her - splayed all over walls for everyone to see.
"Tiffany," said Jessica, drawing her attention back down to her.
Jessica saw the lines of age in her face that hadn't been there before. She wondered if Tiffany had gone through the same downfall as she had. Jessica resigned with herself she didn't really want to know.
"Why-" she started, licking her lips. "Why are you really here?"
Tiffany's smile slipped completely off, replaced with a painful grimace. "Because I wanted to see you,"
"Tiffany-"
"Not like that, Jessica," she quickly added, tucking a strand of deep, crimson hair behind her ear. "I wanted to see you - your work. I was going to come in and look and leave without you knowing but when I saw you I-"
"It's okay,"
"Is it?"
"You've always been a little selfish," said Jessica. Tiffany frowned. "But so have I,"
The corner of Tiffany's mouth lifted in a light smile. "You were never selfish, Jessi," she whispered, dropping her eyes as she played with her fingers. "You kept your promise. I'm not scared anymore."
Looking down, Jessica noticed for the first time the engagement ring circling Tiffany's finger.
A frigid surge soared through Jessica, slicing through her gut and choking her heart. She saw those old memories and fantasies they had created together, lying in each other's arms, laughing and joking about what their wedding would’ve looked like.
In her memories, they were still twenty-something year olds, children who still hadn’t figured out what life was really about.
The reel stopped cold with them climbing into a limo and the scene fading black. There was no promise in those thoughts or memories. There had never been any true promise in Tiffany.
Jessica forced on a smile. "I'm happy for you,"
"You don't have to lie,” Tiffany laughed tonelessly, her eyes glossing for a moment. She blinked the tears back. "Look at you. Look at this,"
Jessica allowed her eyes to sweep the gallery herself. She saw Seohyun talking with Ga-In pointing out another series of photographers. Jessica felt her nerves spike at what they could be speaking about.
"It's nothing," she said, turning away before they could spot her staring.
"You've always underestimated yourself," Tiffany rolled her eyes. "Look at you, Jessi,” her voice dropped, a genuine tone seeping into it. “I'm so proud,"
Jessica blinked up at her, taken aback. It was in that moment she realized Tiffany wasn’t there for anything else. As selfish as it had seemed or felt that she’d show up, flash an engagement in her face, and bring up things Jessica was better off burying, she understood.
She saw it in the way Tiffany relaxed, slipping back into that nineteen-year-old who was scared to move forward. It was almost as if she was asking for Jessica’s approval, asking Jessica to continue to help her not be scared as she took a new phase in her life that would surely bring up a new set of troubles.
Taking a breath, Jessica allowed herself to relax. "Thank you,"
"Is everything okay?"
Both heads turned up to Sooyoung striding up to them. She held her eyes on Tiffany as she circled an arm securely around Jessica's waist.
Tiffany took a step back; smiling through the intimidation Jessica knew the woman's towering height had on her. That and the way she was clutching her cocktail, daring Tiffany to make those tears welling up in Jessica's eyes to spill over. Jessica felt herself swoon.
"We're fine, Soo," Jessica reassured her.
“Finally got her, huh?” Tiffany teased, smirking up at Sooyoung who faltered a moment. Tiffany laughed. “You've got an amazing woman, you know?" She said, sadly.
"I know," she nodded.
"So don't you dare go back on our promise,"
"Promise?"
Tiffany nodded, her eyes washing over Jessica like it used to. All full of admiration and affection that made Jessica's heart swoon.
"That you'll be to her what I couldn't but she always was to me," her eyes flashed down, boring into Jessica.
She felt her chest constrict at the vulnerability in that gaze. The walls that had always been up had opened enough for Jessica to see the pain of what had happened between them was just as much for Tiffany as it had been for her.
“Consider it done,” said Sooyoung, tightening her grip on Jessica’s waist.
"Honey?" Their heads turned in the direction of the voice. Sunny walked up to them, bowing before she turned to Tiffany. "Are you ready?"
Tiffany nodded down to her. She turned back to Jessica. "It was good to see you both.”
"You too," Jessica smiled.
Offering bows, Tiffany turned from them, allowing Sunny to link their hands together and lead them away.
"Tiffany," Jessica called out. Eyes peered over a shoulder and Jessica pushed on a smile. "Congratulations,” she focused on Tiffany, putting as much truth in her tone as she could. “To both of you,"
"Thank you," said Sunny, seeing Tiffany could no longer speak as she turned away from Jessica just before a tear could slip down her cheek.
Jessica let out a long breath. A comforting arm pulled her in so she was pressed against the towering warmth of Sooyoung.
"You okay?" She kissed the top of her head.
"Yes," Jessica rested her cheek against the pulse beating in Sooyoung's chest as she watched Tiffany fade into the crowd and out of the gallery.
“Are you sure?” She pulled back, titling Jessica’s chin.
She nodded, brushing away a stray tear. “Stop it,”
“Stop what?”
“Doubting us,” she said, pressing a hand to Sooyoung’s cheek. She brushed a thumb against her skin, blinking back tears so she could see her clearly. “I love you,"
Breath hitching, Sooyoung’s cheek lit up a burning red. "I love you too," she whispered back, voice shaking slightly.
Lifting to her toes, Jessica brushed a kiss against her lips. “And don’t you ever doubt it,”
Fin.
AN: Fic inspired by Ke$ha – Last Goodbye
Fic Tracklist
Author: boxxsaltz
Rating: PG-13;R
Pairing(s): Jessica/Tiffany
Summary: A tale through life of love found, tested, lost, and the mending of the heart.
AN: beta credits to the lovely Kissos & mldcmx
Part V: Day Break
It started the morning after Jessica broke down at the coffee shop.
Sitting up on the couch, Jessica blinked up at the spindly woman walking out of her bathroom.
The look on Sooyoung’s face was full of horror as she wiped a hand across her mouth, clearing away the remains of toothpaste.
“I’m sorry,” she all but yelled. “I didn’t mean to stay over but I sort of fell asleep and you had an extra toothbrush- I swear I didn’t steal anything.”
“It’s okay,” Jessica waved it off. She was having an emotional hangover. The kind that kept her eyes from opening fully after crying them into red puffs, and her body was a little sluggish for letting everything vomit out of her in nasty sobs.
Sooyoung blinked, her shoulders stiff. Jessica eyed her clothes. She didn’t remember Sooyoung in those pajama bottoms and t-shirt. She had gone through her drawers too. Jessica blushed.
“I can go now…”
“Have you eaten breakfast yet, or were you on your way to the kitchen now?”
“I-” Sooyoung shifted her weight, shy smile creeping onto her face. “No, I haven’t eaten.”
Jessica pushed on a smile. “How does cereal sound?”
-/-/-/-
“No!” Jessica snatched one of Tiffany’s CDs from Seohyun’s hands. The girl glared at her for the thousandth time that day. Jessica hugged the CD to her chest, frowning.
Seohyun sighed. “Unnie, don’t be like this.”
“We can’t throw this away,”
“It’s not yours-” Seohyun narrowed her eyes to read the label between Jessica’s arms. She deadpanned, “and you don’t even like trot music.”
“So?”
Seohyun sighed, brushing her freshly cut fringe out of her lashes. “You asked me to help you, but I can’t do that properly if you’re going to fight me on everything.”
“We can’t just throw her things out,” Jessica protested.
“We can donate them,” said Seohyun. Jessica made a face. “I’ll give them back to her. Is that okay?”
“Fine,”
“I know this is hard, unnie, but this will help.”
“Help what?”
“Move on,” were the unspoken words between them.
Jessica hadn’t even entertained the thought of moving on. Not until she woke up to someone new and laughed casually over cereal with a fresh morning face did she even feel like she was her own person again.
The amount of clutter she and Seohyun had gone through over the weeks that belonged to not only Tiffany, but the both of them, showed just how much she had integrated and woven her own life and identity into who Tiffany was. Watching her house be purged of those things with the flick of Seohyun’s wrist and a toss of a garbage bag onto the curb had left Jessica feeling empty and hollow.
“You should really stop sleeping on the couch,” Seohyun muttered as a set of ticket stubs to a concert she and Tiffany attended were stuffed into a trash bag. “It’s really not good for your back.”
“Neither is a mattress on the floor,” because she had taken the bed frame apart and thrown it out herself a few days ago.
She had done it in a fit of tears as the memories of when they got the thing years ago all flooded back. But she had done it, and the smile Seohyun gave her made Jessica feel particularly accomplished.
“Next weekend we can get you a new one,” said Seohyun.
“Yes, unnie,” Jessica teased, and Seohyun huffed as a stuffed bear Jessica didn’t even know was hidden in the back most corner of her closet was suffocated in a garbage bag.
Jessica held on fine as they continued to throw things away, but as soon as she saw a set of dusty crutches get pulled from the storage closet, Jessica hid herself in the bathroom, crying until Seohyun came and got her promising,
“Everything is gone. She’s all gone,”
The next morning, Jessica watched from the window as the garbage man came by and picked everything up.
-/-/-/-
Asking the barista if she had a truck, only for her to ask another friend if she had one, had been a whole lot of awkward.
Jessica stood on the porch, watching Sooyoung wave Taeyeon on, so she could back up into the driveway without running over anything.
“Where do you want’er?” Asked Sooyoung, loudly. She was wearing one of those jumpers the mechanics wore and a blue cap to match.
“I wanted to look the part,” Sooyoung had explained to Jessica’s raised eyebrows as they waited for the men to load the truck down at the furniture store.
Taeyeon had scoffed at that. “She still thinks she can act. Her theatre teachers thought otherwise. Isn’t that right, drama school dropout?” She sang the last part to the tune of a musical song she remembered Tiffany had made her watch once.
Jessica shook the memories away and focused worriedly on Taeyeon and Seohyun tugging the bed frame box out of the bed of the pick-up.
“Uh, bedroom?”
“Right,” Sooyoung nodded curtly. She tugged the bill of her hat down. “Taeyeon, lift with your knees! Aigoo!” She hurried over to help the two.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” Taeyeon snapped back. It took particularly longer than necessary for them to get the frame into the house, and even longer for Sooyoung to stop pestering Taeyeon who was trying to use the directions to put the pieces together.
The guitarist threw Sooyoung and Jessica out of the room and shut the door on her and Seohyun to finish the task.
“Uh,” Jessica walked back into the living room with a take-out menu and phone in hand. Sooyoung sat disgruntled on the couch watching TV. “Should we order out?”
Jessica hadn’t had this many people in her kitchen, eating out a cartons of Chinese take-out since the lot of relay girls had filled up her walls with laughter.
Though those walls were empty and stripped now, Jessica couldn’t help but feel she liked Sooyoung’s smug laughter, Taeyeon’s cackle, and Seohyun’s uneasy giggles a little more.
“Yah!” Taeyeon swatted Sooyoung’s sneaky fingers away from her food with her chopsticks.
“Stingy,” she muttered and picked a piece of chicken off Jessica’s plate.
“Don’t humor her, Jessica,” Taeyeon warned through a mouthful. “She’ll just keep coming back for more.”
Jessica smiled at the way Sooyoung’s cheeks tinted pink, and she silently picked out of her own carton of food the rest of the night.
-/-/-/-
Sooyoung came over a lot.
“Your place is closer to work,” was her excuse. Jessica knew otherwise.
Like the fact Sooyoung loved to poke her nose around in her fridge and pantry. She walked into Jessica’s house like it was her own. She’d kick her shoes off haphazardly by the door and plop on the couch like it was the most familiar thing to her.
She’d fall asleep sometimes, too, with a can of cola in hand and an empty bowl of popcorn in her lap.
Jessica laughed softly to herself as she moved the bowl onto the coffee table then went to remove the can when Sooyoung gripped her wrist. Jessica froze, staring into drowsy eyes.
“Soo?”
“Hm?”
“What’re you…” She felt herself getting pulled down, a pink pair of lips drawing closer and closer.
Her eyes focused on the way Sooyoung licked away the chapped skin on her bottom lip and tilted her head up. She was making a bold move, but when Jessica flashed a look up to her eyes, they were anything but.
“You can hit me later for this, okay?” Sooyoung murmured. Jessica’s reply was sucked away as their lips met.
Salt and butter were fresh on her tongue, and Jessica was reminded of awkward high school dates at the movie theatre where they were both too scared to even hold hands.
However there was no awkwardness in the way Sooyoung tilted her head and urged Jessica to kiss her back, pleading with her lips not to leave her hanging. But Jessica couldn’t do that, not when she felt a sort of spark jolt from her lips to her toes.
Lifting a hand, she cupped Sooyoung’s face, holding her steady. Her skin was hot under her fingertips, the heat fueled by the fire beneath her cheeks. A tongue teased her lip and Jessica opened her mouth.
She felt Sooyoung tense and her breath hitch as their tongues met, and Jessica grinned. Pressing against Sooyoung’s shoulder, Jessica eased her back against the cushion and lowered herself down, straddling Sooyoung’s waist with her knees and bit into the kiss.
It was fresh and it was exciting. It was sweet and it was timid. It was inviting and it was exhilarating.
Jessica broke from the kiss a panting mess, foreheads still pressed together and breathing ragged.
“Wow,” Sooyoung muttered, licking her lips.
Jessica smiled but on the inside she was a cluster of unexplained emotions. Like the fact she didn’t think she should feel like this with Sooyoung, that the year that had passed after she broke up with Tiffany wasn’t enough time for her to create any feelings for Sooyoung.
But there was something there, she knew. She could feel it simmering under the surface, heating her up slowly like a burner set on low, reminding her of how she had never felt such a thing in a kiss. It was all so promising and innocent and passionate. It left her lungs heaving and stomach fluttering. It left her lips tingling and her ears buzzing.
The ache between her legs was there but it was dull. It wasn’t at the forefront of her mind. It wasn’t what she wanted to hurry and take care of. All she wanted was to look into those eyes, hold those trembling hands, and kiss those lips to figure out and understand what these hidden feelings had to offer.
“Jessica?”
“Kiss me,” she whispered, bumping their noses together and closed her eyes as Sooyoung complied.
She shaped their lips together, and Jessica allowed herself to be taken away once again; let herself be taken away like black coffee and three sugars did on her darkest nights in the coffee shop and the fragrance of nutmeg and vanilla had when she was absolutely empty.
As unsure hands planted themselves on her hips to hold her steady, there was nothing bleeding into the moment that took her back to the one who had been all and every one of Jessica’s first.
Like the way Sooyoung’s teasing jokes and taunting banter, Jessica felt herself taken away completely, giving her a fresh sort of newness and a whispering request of something different and unexpectedly great.
“You can hit me now,” Sooyoung panted, pulling back.
Jessica wrapped her arms around her neck, not even daring to open her eyes and shatter what was happening. “Just shut up and kiss me.”
-/-/-/-
Submerging herself in work had been the one thing that helped Jessica the most.
For some time she had forgotten the therapeutic effects that holding a camera to her eye and snapping pictures had been for her. She forgot how creating a story with a still image made her feel in tune with herself and life around her. She forgot that those classes she had taken in college weren’t just background noise to the crazy relationship she had with Tiffany, but actually amounted to something.
It was the result of her putting herself completely back into her craft that she was asked to head the Fashion section of their annual company gathering. The one with names so high Jessica didn’t dare speak without formalities. The one where her name would be under all the photos taken of models in attire she had picked out and make-up she had directed.
It was comical, Jessica thought, the fact she had ended up doing something with fashion despite what she used to believe. But this was her chance to show others what she had and maybe even get her out of the magazine and into personal photography.
Like become a freelancer, requested upon by other companies and agencies, and work out of her own studio loft with the dark room she had always wanted.
Wishful thinking, she knew, but that didn’t keep her from taking the camera from one of the photographers and snapping away pictures on her own.
“That’s good,” said Jessica, standing up and dusting her pants off. “Let’s take fifteen,” she dismissed the photographers and models surrounding the set and handed the camera back to the boy she had plucked it from. Hopefully he understood her vision now.
“The last model says she’ll be here soon,” said Seohyun, passing her a cup of coffee then sipped at a bottle of water. “She says she’s stuck in traffic.”
“Okay, thanks,” Jessica walked over to the computers that already had a reel of photos on it.
“Why are you so happy this morning?” Asked Seohyun, following after her.
Jessica turned over her shoulder, eyebrow lifting. “Am I?”
Seohyun’s lips pursed. “Were you drinking again this morning?”
“No,”
“Then what’s going on?” Seohyun narrowed her eyes, tugging Jessica away from the computer.
She didn’t need to look at them yet anyway. She’d only get frustrated and start the entire shoot over again. Thanks to Seohyun, her staff wouldn’t have to deal with that.
“Were you drinking last night?”
“No?” Jessica’s brow furrowed then shook her head. She was passed nights of binge drinking. “A little. Sooyoung stayed over again last night,”
A light went off behind Seohyun’s eyes that Jessica didn’t particularly like. “By stayed over do you mean…”
“No,” Jessica said quickly, glancing over her shoulder a moment. “We didn’t. We’re not like that.”
“You should use better make up when you’re under these lights,” Seohyun pointed to the side of her neck. Jessica blushed. “Are you two together?”
“No,”
“Why not?” Seohyun screwed the cap back onto her water. “It’s been a year since Tiffany-unnie,”
Jessica scrunched her nose, the sugar in her coffee suddenly tasting bitter. “Half of that since we actually stopped sleeping together,”
“Sooyoung makes you happy,”
“She’s funny,” Jessica tried to sound indifferent, but there was lightness in her voice she couldn’t mask. “She makes me laugh,”
“Is that all?” Seohyun tugged down the collar of Jessica’s shirt exposing the faint mark on her collarbone. Jessica swatted her hand away. “Give it a chance, unnie,”
“I shouldn’t have- we shouldn’t- it keeps happening and it shouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re not together,”
“If I remember, you’re not above a one-night stand,”
Jessica’s face fell, her body seizing at the memory. She didn’t think Seohyun would strike such a low blow, but Seohyun did have the habit of stating the harder facts to point out things Jessica refused to acknowledge.
She allowed the sting of those words to fade away and get lost with all the other things that had happened in those days months and months ago.
“Sooyoung isn’t like that,” said Jessica, quietly.
“I know,” Seohyun sighed.
“You should see how nervous she is,”
“Reminds you of someone?” Seohyun teased and Jessica felt herself flush. She had been such a timid little girl with Tiffany. “If she’s waited for you this long, don’t you think she’s worth a try? How many free drinks is it really going to take?”
“I’m not ready,”
“I think you are,” said Seohyun. “You’re just scared. That’s okay, unnie. You want someone who will make the decisions for you.”
“No, I don’t,” Jessica snapped.
Seohyun only raised an eyebrow, continuing to dangle the bait in front of Jessica. “Isn’t that what you’re used to?”
Jessica glared, the burn of Seohyun’s words slowly ebbing into an ache in her chest. “I think I liked you better when you never talked.”
“I’m sorry, unnie, but I’m tired of seeing you like this. Not that Sooyoung-unnie will fix everything, but she’s already been so good to you.” Seohyun frowned taking Jessica’s empty cup of coffee and placed her empty water bottle in it to throw away. “Tiffany-unnie moved on. You can too. It’s okay.”
Jessica opened her mouth to say something when Seohyun’s phone rang. She saw the model’s name flash across the screen just before she raised it to her ear and hurried off to lead the late arrival to where they were.
“Breaks over, everyone!” Jessica called out. “Let’s get back to work,”
-/-/-/-
“Could you stare any harder?” Jessica teased.
Seohyun’s chin slipped off the heel of her hand, her head whipping away from where Taeyeon’s band was setting up at some venue just outside of the city. Sooyoung had been the one to invite them, but as per usual, Sooyoung was late leaving Jessica and Seohyun at the bar alone.
“I’m not staring,” Seohyun protested.
Jessica smirked. She glanced back over to Taeyeon who was directing Henry on where to set the Cajon Box while Amber tuned the guitars. “I think you should go for it,”
“Unnie,” Seohyun grimaced, ducking her head and blushing into her martini.
Jessica picked her rum and coke off the counter. “Taeyeon’s nice,”
Seohyun’s face dropped. “So is Sooyoung-unnie,”
Jessica let out a long frustrated breath. “Are you going to lecture me again?”
“No,” Seohyun sat down her glass, licking her lips. “But I will remind you not to have a hangover in the morning. Sunbaenim wants to see some of the prints you’re thinking about putting up in the gallery.”
“Seohyun-ah,” Jessica groaned, running a hand through her honey blonde hair. Not as bright as the previous shade but not as dark as she’d like. “What did I tell you about talking business while we’re out?”
Seohyun shrugged. “I’m only doing my job,”
“Too well,” Jessica muttered dryly into her glass.
“Oh,” Seohyun perked up. “Unnie’s here,” she threw up a hand, waving at Sooyoung who entered the door.
Turning around, Jessica felt the breath get sucked out of her lungs when she spotted Sooyoung weaving through the crowd up to them.
“Sorry, I’m late,” she announced, breathlessly as she stripped her coat and slid onto one of the barstools. She folded her coat in her lap and turned to the bartender, spouting off some concoction of a drink.
Turning to them, Sooyoung flashed a wide smile, head shaking so beads of water from the rain went flying out of her freshly cut, short hair. It waved around her face, strands sticking to her cheeks and forehead that she quickly removed with the tips of her fingers.
“You didn’t say you were getting a haircut,” said Seohyun, admiring it.
Sooyoung wrinkled her nose, fingers running through the dark hair that framed her face. “I wasn’t going to, but Suzy caught me up at her place and wanted to try cutting hair…”
The rest of the conversation was lost on Jessica. Her eyes remained stuck on Sooyoung’s hair, following the way it curved around her cheeks and hooked under her chin. She took in the color, a deep, deep brown nearly black that brought out the pink of her cheeks and the lively, flesh tones in her lips.
Wide eyes flashed over to her across from Seohyun accompanied by a wide smile that made the bottoms of her eyes bow upward just barely and all Jessica could see in that moment was Tiffany.
Tiffany in those years in that apartment when she chopped off her hair.
“A new beginning!” She had said when she came home and Jessica nearly dropped the knife on her foot at the shock it had given her.
She felt her heart begin to ache in her chest when she remembered those days. The ones she spent fighting to keep Tiffany at arms-reach and not miles away back in the states. She remembered the tears she brushed from those eyes and the quiver in those lips as Jessica kissed woes away.
She couldn’t help but remember the absence of separation between the two of them. Always stuck to each other’s side much to Hyoyeon’s chagrin. They were hardly seen without the other, always holding hands, touching, looking, and brushing against one another.
It was when their smiles came the easiest and the world seemed unbreakable by no outside force.
Oh, how wrong they were, Jessica thought.
“Unnie?” Jessica’s eyes snapped up to see Seohyun staring worried down at her.
Just behind her, Jessica could see Sooyoung watching her just as attentively. Jessica had to blink a few times before she saw only Sooyoung there and not the shadow of Tiffany shrouding her features.
“Unnie, they’re about to play,” Seohyun’s voice brought her eyes away from Sooyoung. “We should hurry and get a seat closer.”
“Yeah. Right. We should move,” Jessica nodded. She slid off the stool to follow and panicked when Seohyun began to pull away from them. “Where are you going?”
“To the restroom,” Seohyun’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll be right back.” She smiled reassuringly and walked away.
Following Sooyoung, they found a table near the front and sat down. Across the way, she could feel Sooyoung’s eyes on her.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,”
“Sorry, I was late,”
“That’s okay,” she pushed on a smile. “I, uh, like your haircut,”
“Thanks,” bright teeth poked from behind smiling lip as Sooyoung ran a hand through her hair again.
Jessica looked away from the blush that had painted itself on Sooyoung’s cheeks and turned to the band that had started to play. Their sound filled up the room, whisking away the tense atmosphere and brought a lightness to Jessica as Taeyeon and Henry’s voices lifted up.
Chairs screeched as Seohyun found the table, and Sooyoung moved to allow her room, putting her next to Jessica. Nutmeg and vanilla clashed with beer and tequila, but Jessica could still smell it off Sooyoung’s skin, taking her back to the night Sooyoung had held her in her arms as she cried. And just like that, Tiffany was erased.
“Do you like it?” Asked Sooyoung, catching Jessica’s eye. She cocked her head toward the band. “They’re good, right?”
Jessica nodded at the excited smile on Sooyoung’s face. Like a little kid who was showing off their Show-n-Tell project and wanted the approval of their teacher.
Jessica smirked at the contrast. Of how childlike Sooyoung could seem in times when Tiffany would be smug and make Jessica blush instead of the other way around.
“I think,” she glanced over to see Seohyun watching her. Jessica looked away. “I think I’m going to get more to drink,”
“I’ll get it,” Sooyoung offered before she could get up. “Drinks on me tonight,”
“Unnie, you don’t have to do that,” Seohyun protested, tugging at Sooyoung’s wrist to lead her back down.
“I don’t mind,” she shrugged her arm from Seohyun’s hold and began back toward the bar. Jessica watched her walk away.
“Now who’s staring?” Seohyun quipped, quietly. Jessica glared at her across the table.
-/-/-/-
Sooyoung squeaked as Jessica eased her back against the front door she had just slammed shut.
“Come here,” Jessica muttered. Her voice was low and on the verge of being slurred. She didn’t care. Not when soft lips touched hers and a curious tongue lapped out along sensitive flesh.
She hardly registered the bed that engulfed her as Sooyoung dropped her down and crawled over her. Jessica’s hands flew up, hooking around her neck, and yanked her down into an alcohol-tainted kiss.
She wasn't Tiffany. She wasn't. The long, spindly arms and legs that stretched for miles gave it away. The voice void of husk and the remnants of a native accent gone missing over time away from her home country was a painful reminder. The lips, shaped long and round and not full and plump, were a pleasant, new discovery.
She wasn't Tiffany, but that was okay, Jessica thought. Because Tiffany would already have her completely out of her clothes by now with lips on a crash course down her body.
Tiffany wouldn’t have stopped just shy of pulling off her bra and staring down at her with unfocused eyes and panting breath that shook on each nervous intake. Tiffany wouldn’t lick her lips, blush, and grin a grin full of embarrassment.
“I’m sorry,” said Sooyoung, hovering above her with hands and knees on either side of Jessica’s body. “I’ve never…I’ve never actually done this before.”
Jessica looked up at Sooyoung on top of her and smiled. She found it amusing really. This woman so sure of herself that had been the ringleader amongst her group of friends had flattered.
Sooyoung’s lip pulled between her teeth and her cheeks flushed and blushed and did all sorts of things that Jessica found simply endearing.
Jessica wondered if that was how she looked during her first time. When Tiffany- She had spent the entire night thinking of Tiffany, seeing Tiffany, body yearning for Tiffany, but there she was with something that could be something better.
Jessica sucked in a breath at the thought. Something better. She had known nothing of another’s lips or caress. She didn’t know how much she’d appreciate the difference in tints of cheeks and the unfamiliar wrinkle in furrowed brow.
She didn’t know that someone else could make her feel like someone that could be cherished or cared for. She didn’t know someone could be so patient and careful and promising just in the way the way they let their gaze sweep along Jessica as if she was too good to touch.
“I’m sorry. I’ll get off,” Jessica felt Sooyoung begin to peel herself away and quickly caught onto her arm.
“No, it’s okay,” she said, looking up into those big brown eyes that were so hungry but too scared to take what they wanted. Jessica felt her lips kink into a smile. “We don’t have to…you know.”
“We don’t?”
“No,” Jessica grinned wider when she saw the relief in Sooyoung’s eyes.
She saw the glaze that alcohol brought to them and frowned. The way Sooyoung had taken light steps from becoming an acquaintance, to Jessica’s friend, to maybe something more had been too perfect and timed to rush along now.
“I want you…” she trailed off, reaching up to run her fingers through short hair. It was thick and smooth and tainted with the stench of smoke and beer from the bar. “I want you to remember everything when- if we do.” Jessica whispered.
“Really?” Sooyoung’s eyes fluttered, surprised. As if she had thought they needed to do this. As if being in bed with Jessica would’ve sealed the deal finally.
“Really,” Jessica leaned up, placing a kiss on Sooyoung’s lips. She had had high, loud and fast. She wanted to learn the art of slow, timed, and patience.
Sooyoung smiled. “Me too,” she said. Jessica grinned at the obvious ways her shoulders relaxed.
“When we’re both ready, okay?”
“Okay,” she started to move again when Jessica gripped her.
“Uh,” it was Jessica’s turn to blush. “Could you stay? Maybe?”
“As long as you want,”
Jessica grinned. “Pack a bag next time,”
Lifting up, she pushed Sooyoung to the side, flipping them over and sank down so her hips rested between her legs. Wide eyes stared up at her nervous and full of giddy excitement. Jessica leaned down, capturing her lips and pressed her body flush against the warmth of the one beneath her.
“Does this-” Sooyoung started between kisses. “-mean we’re together?”
Jessica sat up slightly. “I think...” She blinked, weighing the idea in her head. “Yes,”
The smile on Sooyoung’s face was enough to make Jessica laugh out loud. Arms tugging her down, Sooyoung hid her reddened face in her neck.
“I can’t believe she said yes,” Sooyoung murmured, muffled into her neck.
“You’re such a kid,” laughing, Jessica pulled up and turned Sooyoung’s chin so she could kiss her long and deep again.
Slow and steady. She’d feel the last of those chains on her fall away soon enough.
-/-/-/-
It was Jessica who reached for Sooyoung’s hand and pulled her off the couch.
On the chair, Taeyeon strummed her guitar while she sat in Seohyun’s lap who was lounged with her back over one armrest and legs dangled over the other. Jessica placed Sooyoung’s hands on her waist then placed hers around her neck and began to sway with the music.
Sooyoung smirked. “You’re completely off beat,”
“Shut up and enjoy it,”
“I am,” Sooyoung laughed.
A wrong note was struck and Jessica looked over to see what had caused it. From the red of Taeyeon’s cheeks, she was sure Seohyun had finally planted that kiss on the guitarist’s cheek like she had been building up to all night.
“Dorks,” Sooyoung muttered.
“We’re no better. Look at us,”
“But we’re sexy dorks,” Sooyoung grinned, leaning down to kiss Jessica. Her toes curled and her pulse raced as she pulled back breathless.
Jessica cocked an eyebrow at Sooyoung’s focused gaze. “What?”
“You’re so beautiful,”
“Don’t,”
“You’re hideous.” Sooyoung joked and Jessica smacked her in the back of the head. “What was that for? We both know I’m the one with the looks.”
Jessica rolled her eyes, laughing. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I love you.”
They both stopped, staring at each other. Jessica felt her stomach flutter. She felt herself panic. She felt Sooyoung tighten onto her waist keeping her from leaving.
“Really?” Sooyoung said, slowly.
“Really what?”
“Do you?”
“Do I…?”
“Do you…” Sooyoung swallowed, her nervousness just as much as Jessica’s. “Do you love me?” She muttered.
Jessica looked away. “I don’t know,”
“I think you know,”
“Don’t push me,”
“Someone has to,”
Jessica’s eyes narrowed. She weaseled herself out of Sooyoung’s hold and marched off toward the kitchen, passing by Seohyun who plucked the guitar out of Taeyeon’s lap and cupped her face to bring her into a kiss.
“Sica,” she heard behind her.
“Sooyoung, please,” She started, hands gripping the sink. “Do you know how hard this is for me?”
“I’ll never be Tiffany,”
Jessica turned around, hair whipping out of her face as she stared appalled up at Sooyoung standing in the doorway. She blinked.
“I know you-”
“I can feel it.” She muttered, hands burying in the pockets of her shorts. “I can see it in your eyes sometimes when you realize that I’m not her. Like you’re ashamed for even being with me.”
Jessica felt her heart ache. “I’ve never been ashamed of you,”
Sooyoung smiled sadly. “I know Tiffany was your first and she’ll always have a part of you, but I can only be Sooyoung and if that’s not enough tell me now so I can move on.”
Jessica didn’t answer.
Sooyoung leaned against the wall, her eyes on the floor. “If you weren’t sure about being together you-
“That’s not it,” Jessica cut in. “I want to be with you but…can we take this slow? I didn’t mean to say that earlier. I-”
“I get it,”
“No, no you don’t,”
“I do. I shouldn’t-” Sooyoung shook her head, wincing. “I shouldn’t push you,”
“Sooyoung-ah,” Jessica muttered. Walking across the kitchen she took Sooyoung’s face into her hands. Rising on her toes, she pushed up to brush a kiss to her lips. “One step at a time, okay?”
“Okay,” she pushed on a smile, wrapping her arms around Jessica’s waist.
Their lips met again, shaping together in a new way Jessica had already learned to love. There was something about Sooyoung’s kisses. So fresh and new. As if Jessica was the first person she had ever kissed and was still trying to figure what the whole action meant.
“Can I…” she breathed, breaking from the kiss. “Can I ask you something?”
“What?” Sooyoung kissed her forehead.
“How long were-” Jessica blushed. “How long were you waiting?”
Sooyoung grinned. Her grip tightened around Jessica’s waist. “Ever since I couldn’t stop thinking about how good your ass must’ve looked in those jeans.”
“Oh, god,” Jessica laughed. “Are you serious?”
“No,” Sooyoung’s face turned serious. “I knew the night you asked me to go sing karaoke,”
“That was the same night…” she trailed off. That was the same night Tiffany cheated for the first time.
“I’m sorry,”
Jessica shook her head, resting her head on Sooyoung’s chest. “You don’t have to apologize for something she did.”
Sooyoung frowned. “I’m sorry I can’t be as good as her.”
“Don’t ever say that again,” Jessica lifted her head up to stare into Sooyoung’s eyes. She frowned. “Don’t say that again. Do you understand?”
Sooyoung nodded sheepishly. “Yes,”
“Stupid girl,” Jessica rolled her eyes.
“I love you,”
Jessica blinked, blushing as Sooyoung beamed. She pulled away, walking back toward the living room. “Stupid, stupid girl,”
-/-/-/-
She didn’t know why she did it. She didn’t know why she had tricked Seohyun, claiming the box of her photography journals had nothing but old school assignments and projects in them.
At the time when Seohyun was making her toss everything out, she had panicked. There was too much connected to those binders of photos that she couldn’t let go.
But now, as she sat on the floor in her bedroom, tears dripping off her cheeks as she held a picture of her and Tiffany from that week-long swim competition, snapped while the two were sleeping on each other’s shoulders on the bus ride home, Jessica realized what a poor decision it had been to hold onto it.
Her selfishness had made her cling to those pictures and the weak part of her had led her to the box she had made a promise with herself never to open.
Yet, there she was. Pictures littered the floor all around her and she sobbed.
“Jessica?” Sooyoung’s voice rang out through the house.
Jessica tried to pick everything up and put it away, but there was too much. Sooyoung stepped into the bedroom and stopped just on the inside of the door.
Jessica looked up at her, horror in her eyes and apology on her tongue when she saw the way Sooyoung’s face crumple.
“Sooyoung-ah,”
“I’ll leave you alone,”
“Sooyoung, wait, please,” she reached out her arm, fingers stretching as if they’d be able to reach across the distance between them. “Don’t go. I don’t know why…I shouldn’t have- it’s not what you think.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t know,”
“Jessica…” Her name fell off lips in a tired sort of disappointment.
“I don’t want it to be like this,” said Jessica. “Not anymore.”
“Are you sure?” She asked.
Jessica looked up at her, lashes fluttering to blink back to tears that hazed her view. “Yes,”
Grabbing the trashcan by the door, Sooyoung paced across the floor and sat it down at Jessica’s knees. Crouching on the floor, she looked up into Jessica’s eyes.
“You’re sure?” She asked again. Jessica wiped her face, nodding.
Touching a kiss to Jessica’s forehead, Sooyoung began to toss the pictures on the floor into the trashcan. She watched as they went, little by little, memory after memory, were thrown away. Reaching into the box herself, Jessica began to drop photos into the trash, watching the pile steadily rise until the photos had filled the trashcan nearly to the top.
“Jessica,” said Sooyoung, pulling her focus on the discard photos to large, brown eyes. “If this isn’t what you want.”
Jessica shook her head. “It is,” leaning over, she touched a reassuring kiss to Sooyoung’s lips.
Smiling softly, Sooyoung pushed herself off the floor, picking up the trashcan, and stretched down a hand for Jessica to take. Accepting it, she allowed Sooyoung to help her off the floor and lead them out of the room into the back yard.
The warm air licked along Jessica’s skin as she watched Sooyoung place the trashcan in the middle of the grass. In her hand she held a box of matches, picked up from the kitchen on their way out.
Match struck, Jessica gasped as fire blazed, lighting up their faces in the night. She looked up into Sooyoung’s face, reading the uncertainty in her lidded eyes that was made clear by the way the hand holding the match shook.
It was an uncertainty Jessica could all too well understand. The uncertainty if this was right – if Jessica would blow out the match and kick her out.
“Wait,” said Jessica, stopping Sooyoung from dropping the match. “Let…let me do it.”
Reaching out, Jessica took the match out of Sooyoung’s fingers. The flame burned her skin as it continued to eat down the wood, inching nearer and nearer to her finger as she walked closer and closer to the trashcan.
The base of the flame touched her finger just as she dropped it into the pile of pictures and stood back, watching as the fire caught on the corner of a photo and began to spread.
Her eyes stayed drawn on the picture being consumed. She watched as her face was eaten up whole followed by Tiffany’s that had been beside her. She watched, body tense and air caught in her throat, as the fire grew, engulfing her past into a fiery blaze of orange and yellows and left nothing else.
A hand touched hers and she jumped as Sooyoung’s slender fingers teased her clammy palms and Jessica twined their fingers together.
Clouds of smoke lifted up and the stench of charring photography surrounded them reminding Jessica of all the days spent in the dark room developing those images. Seeing them easily melt away only reminded her of how easily things could end. Of how much time she could invest in building something, in making something develop, only for it to all burn away.
“I’m sorry,” Sooyoung muttered.
“No,” Jessica turned to her, pulling Sooyoung into a hug. She buried her face into her chest, breathing her in. No more Tiffany, only Sooyoung. She finally felt free. “Thank you,”
-/-/-/-
Hearing the door creak, Jessica looked up from where she sat crossed legged in the middle of the bed. The fragrance of shower gel wafted out of the bathroom as Sooyoung stood still, lashes blinking in surprise as Jessica stared back at her.
"Is something-”
"Come here," she beckoned, uncrossing her legs and scooting so she sat on the edge of the bed. "Please?" Hitting off the bathroom light, Sooyoung paced over to her.
Reaching out, Jessica gripped her wrist, pulling Sooyoung the rest of the way in until she stood between her legs and Jessica could rest her face against her cloth stomach.
"Are you okay?"
"Mmm," Jessica hummed, running her arms around Sooyoung's waist, rooting her in place. "Just stay like this for a moment."
She took in a deep breath of air, drinking in the coconut of soap that was already starting to be overridden by the forever-present flavors of nutmeg and vanilla.
Lifting her head off her stomach, Jessica tugged at the base of Sooyoung's shirt, inching it up. Maneuvering, Sooyoung helped pull it the rest of the way and off where it crumpled to the floor.
Goose bumps exploded all over exposed skin, and Jessica leaned in, touching a kiss to a pronounced hipbone. She smiled feeling Sooyoung shiver against her and continued a fine trail along her waste from hip to hip, just a few inches above the waistband of her underwear.
Smoothing her hands around, Jessica ran them along Sooyoung's back. She looked up to see lidded eyes silently watching her and the rapid rise and fall of a heaving chest.
"Is this okay?" Jessica whispered as her fingers undid the clasp of Sooyoung's bra. The flaps fell away easily, but she waited for Sooyoung's nod before she tugged it off.
Shoulders tightened and jaws flexed once the fabric was pulled away. She ran her hands along the solid plane of Sooyoung's stomach, teasing the skin just below her breast and dipping back down to rest on her hips.
"Relax, okay?" Jessica cooed, kissing her stomach once again. "Relax,"
She held her eyes on Sooyoung's as she pulled off her own shirt, leaving her in only a pair of night shorts, and dropped it to the floor. Hungry, timid eyes looked over her, and Jessica smiled as she scooted up along the bed.
Settling into the mattress, Sooyoung finally moved. Her lanky arms stretched out, walking her up the length of the bed and knees causing it to sink under her weight.
Taking her face into her palms, Jessica pulled Sooyoung down into a kiss. Those blissful feelings filled her again but Jessica couldn't help but feel like they were stronger. The way her nerves reacted to it was intense, spurring on her actions to tease Sooyoung's lips with a tongue and demand entrance.
Nail scraping down Sooyoung’s back, Jessica felt her moan against her lips, tongue flicking against hers and mixing their tastes together. Bringing her down, Sooyoung’s body lay flush against hers, her hips finding rest between Jessica’s thighs and she shifted so her center rubbed against her hips.
“Sooyoung-ah,” she moaned, running her tongue along the roof of Sooyoung’s mouth and opened her eyes. She brought a hand around, combing short hair out of nervous eyes. She grinned. “I want you,”
Long lashes fluttered. “Really?”
Jessica nodded. “Don’t ever doubt me, okay?”
“Okay,” Sooyoung smiled.
Laughing lightly, Jessica pushed at Sooyoung’s shoulders until she rolled off to lie against the mattress. Climbing on top, Jessica positioned herself above Sooyoung feeling her heart race as she settled her hips between Sooyoung’s legs and ran her hands up along her long torso, teasing her with tips of fingers and the lightest touch of nails.
Sooyoung squirmed beneath her, breath hitching as Jessica ran her hands over pert breasts. She leaned down, taking Sooyoung’s lips with hers, catching her moan on her tongue as she began to massage supple skin under her palms.
Her hips rocked, grinding herself into Sooyoung. A throaty moan left Sooyoung’s throat that sent a familiar wave of heat through her. It bubbled up thick, gripping her around the heart and taking over control of a hand that tickled is way down the length of Sooyoung’s body and teased the flimsy garments she still wore.
Breaking from the kiss, Jessica touched her lips along Sooyoung’s jaw, tasting the flavors of her skin, and dipped down to lap a tongue along the shell of her ear.
“Don’t ever doubt us,” she muttered as her fingers swirled over sensitive flesh she could feel through the girls damp underwear.
She felt Sooyoung nod, her body twitching at the touch, and her heart ramming against her chest, beating up into Jessica and making her swoon.
Looking down into dark eyes, Jessica felt her own breath hitch in her throat as she witnessed the absolute vulnerability Sooyoung displayed. She was stripped down raw for all Jessica to see and it made her shiver. It made her sink down, capturing her lips and unleashing those overwhelming feelings she had kept at bay and bottled up.
She let her emotions spill into Sooyoung as her fingers found hardened skin, and the pads of her fingers pressed into it making the woman below her tense and cant thin hips.
She let everything be milked out of her, flowing through her veins and pouring all into Sooyoung. She held nothing back, but let the last bits of reservation trickle away as walls clenched around her fingers and deliciously, sweet moans filled the air.
“Jessica…” Sooyoung husked as she came undone.
Hearing her name mutter out so pure broke the last of her chains. Hearing her name being uttered off a new pair of lips, so full of love and abandon gripped Jessica heart and yanked it from her chest to let it sink into the woman flush against her, panting and holding her tight leaving not a breath between them.
“Jessica,” Sooyoung whispered, clutching Jessica tight against her chest. “I love you,” The tears in her eyes spilt over the edge and she buried her face into the crook of Sooyoung’s neck. “I love you,”
Jessica wrapped her arms around Sooyoung’s neck, pulling her in as close as she could.
The only thing on her mind, she had never heard those words sound so real, so sincere, so perfect.
-/-/-/-
“Thank you, Mr. Seong,” Jessica bowed, shaking the photographer’s hand. "Your offer sounds like a wonderful opportunity," she smiled, watching as the photographer walked away toward the other end of the gallery.
Letting out a breath, she ran her clammy hands on the sides of her skirt.
"You're doing great, unnie," said Seohyun, passing her a glass of vodka and punched plucked off one of the trays the assistants were walking around with. "Seong JuHoon makes the fourth offer."
"Don't remind me," Jessica sipped at the punch, wishing it were more vodka and less punch.
Her eyes scanned along the gallery, littered with people in fancy dress and keen eyes. It twisted her nerves, making her stomach coil into tight knots as she watched the fashion photographers, editors, consultants, and artist gaze upon her work.
Doing photos for the magazine had been one thing. She never had to see the masses reaction to what she had done. Being able to see people nod and point and shake their heads made Jessica's palms sweat.
Coming into the gallery, Jessica saw Narsha guiding a Son Ga-In over to a series of photos that showcased the vibrancy of colors and patterns of a new fashion-line they were thinking of doing with the next season. Jessica felt her heart rate peak as Ga-In nodded at one of the photos, lifting her hands and pointing at tiny details only the sharpest eyes could detect.
"Maybe she'll make you an offer," Seohyun whispered beside her. Jessica could only nod. Ga-In was one of the many photographers she had studied that she drew inspiration from. "Wait here, I'll see what I can do."
"Don't embarrass me!" Jessica hissed in warning as Seohyun made her way through the crowd, bowing to her sunbaes every now and again.
Turning away, Jessica gazed along the rest of the gallery. A smile pulled to her lips when she found Sooyoung gazing up at a photo that took up nearly an entire wall, all black and white, and absolutely ambiguous to what was happening. She saw Sooyoung's head tilt, the glass of punch in her hand resting lazily against her lips as she tried to decipher what was happening.
"Jessica?"
Jessica stopped mid-step, body ceasing and mind instantly forgetting about walking up to Sooyoung and circling her arms around her from behind.
"Jessica Jung,"
Jessica saw Sooyoung turn over her shoulder, catching sight of Jessica in the middle of the gallery. The way Sooyoung's jaw tightened was all confirmation Jessica needed for the source of the voice calling her from behind.
Offering a shake of the head to Sooyoung, Jessica turned around letting the smiling eyes of Tiffany Hwang greet her like the coming of a truck.
"Tiffany," she said, shake in her voice.
"Hey," she smiled hesitantly as she walked up to her. Jessica's eyes bounced around, darting along the gallery for a sight of Sunny. She didn't find her.
"What're you doing here?"
Her smile turned strained for a moment. "I heard your work was featured in a show. I wanted to see if it was actually the Jessica Jung I knew,"
Jessica nodded, trying to ignore the sincerity in Tiffany’s voice. "How'd you get in?"
"I remember a few people,"
Jessica felt ice fill her veins. Tiffany knew people. Tiffany knew people from the past who would tease Jessica in the office knowing all too well of the things that happened in cubicles between them. She felt her face heat up.
"Wow," Tiffany let out a breath of amazement, eyes pulling away from Jessica to sweep along the gallery. "This is amazing. You did all of this?"
"Yes,"
A blaring smile shined down on her and Jessica couldn't help the flood of emotion it brought her to see Tiffany's obvious approval of her work. It was something she knew the woman had never seen. It wasn't like those fashion, photo-shoots for the magazine or those amateur pictures done in college. This was her - all of her - splayed all over walls for everyone to see.
"Tiffany," said Jessica, drawing her attention back down to her.
Jessica saw the lines of age in her face that hadn't been there before. She wondered if Tiffany had gone through the same downfall as she had. Jessica resigned with herself she didn't really want to know.
"Why-" she started, licking her lips. "Why are you really here?"
Tiffany's smile slipped completely off, replaced with a painful grimace. "Because I wanted to see you,"
"Tiffany-"
"Not like that, Jessica," she quickly added, tucking a strand of deep, crimson hair behind her ear. "I wanted to see you - your work. I was going to come in and look and leave without you knowing but when I saw you I-"
"It's okay,"
"Is it?"
"You've always been a little selfish," said Jessica. Tiffany frowned. "But so have I,"
The corner of Tiffany's mouth lifted in a light smile. "You were never selfish, Jessi," she whispered, dropping her eyes as she played with her fingers. "You kept your promise. I'm not scared anymore."
Looking down, Jessica noticed for the first time the engagement ring circling Tiffany's finger.
A frigid surge soared through Jessica, slicing through her gut and choking her heart. She saw those old memories and fantasies they had created together, lying in each other's arms, laughing and joking about what their wedding would’ve looked like.
In her memories, they were still twenty-something year olds, children who still hadn’t figured out what life was really about.
The reel stopped cold with them climbing into a limo and the scene fading black. There was no promise in those thoughts or memories. There had never been any true promise in Tiffany.
Jessica forced on a smile. "I'm happy for you,"
"You don't have to lie,” Tiffany laughed tonelessly, her eyes glossing for a moment. She blinked the tears back. "Look at you. Look at this,"
Jessica allowed her eyes to sweep the gallery herself. She saw Seohyun talking with Ga-In pointing out another series of photographers. Jessica felt her nerves spike at what they could be speaking about.
"It's nothing," she said, turning away before they could spot her staring.
"You've always underestimated yourself," Tiffany rolled her eyes. "Look at you, Jessi,” her voice dropped, a genuine tone seeping into it. “I'm so proud,"
Jessica blinked up at her, taken aback. It was in that moment she realized Tiffany wasn’t there for anything else. As selfish as it had seemed or felt that she’d show up, flash an engagement in her face, and bring up things Jessica was better off burying, she understood.
She saw it in the way Tiffany relaxed, slipping back into that nineteen-year-old who was scared to move forward. It was almost as if she was asking for Jessica’s approval, asking Jessica to continue to help her not be scared as she took a new phase in her life that would surely bring up a new set of troubles.
Taking a breath, Jessica allowed herself to relax. "Thank you,"
"Is everything okay?"
Both heads turned up to Sooyoung striding up to them. She held her eyes on Tiffany as she circled an arm securely around Jessica's waist.
Tiffany took a step back; smiling through the intimidation Jessica knew the woman's towering height had on her. That and the way she was clutching her cocktail, daring Tiffany to make those tears welling up in Jessica's eyes to spill over. Jessica felt herself swoon.
"We're fine, Soo," Jessica reassured her.
“Finally got her, huh?” Tiffany teased, smirking up at Sooyoung who faltered a moment. Tiffany laughed. “You've got an amazing woman, you know?" She said, sadly.
"I know," she nodded.
"So don't you dare go back on our promise,"
"Promise?"
Tiffany nodded, her eyes washing over Jessica like it used to. All full of admiration and affection that made Jessica's heart swoon.
"That you'll be to her what I couldn't but she always was to me," her eyes flashed down, boring into Jessica.
She felt her chest constrict at the vulnerability in that gaze. The walls that had always been up had opened enough for Jessica to see the pain of what had happened between them was just as much for Tiffany as it had been for her.
“Consider it done,” said Sooyoung, tightening her grip on Jessica’s waist.
"Honey?" Their heads turned in the direction of the voice. Sunny walked up to them, bowing before she turned to Tiffany. "Are you ready?"
Tiffany nodded down to her. She turned back to Jessica. "It was good to see you both.”
"You too," Jessica smiled.
Offering bows, Tiffany turned from them, allowing Sunny to link their hands together and lead them away.
"Tiffany," Jessica called out. Eyes peered over a shoulder and Jessica pushed on a smile. "Congratulations,” she focused on Tiffany, putting as much truth in her tone as she could. “To both of you,"
"Thank you," said Sunny, seeing Tiffany could no longer speak as she turned away from Jessica just before a tear could slip down her cheek.
Jessica let out a long breath. A comforting arm pulled her in so she was pressed against the towering warmth of Sooyoung.
"You okay?" She kissed the top of her head.
"Yes," Jessica rested her cheek against the pulse beating in Sooyoung's chest as she watched Tiffany fade into the crowd and out of the gallery.
“Are you sure?” She pulled back, titling Jessica’s chin.
She nodded, brushing away a stray tear. “Stop it,”
“Stop what?”
“Doubting us,” she said, pressing a hand to Sooyoung’s cheek. She brushed a thumb against her skin, blinking back tears so she could see her clearly. “I love you,"
Breath hitching, Sooyoung’s cheek lit up a burning red. "I love you too," she whispered back, voice shaking slightly.
Lifting to her toes, Jessica brushed a kiss against her lips. “And don’t you ever doubt it,”
Fin.
AN: Fic inspired by Ke$ha – Last Goodbye
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Date: 2013-02-03 10:26 pm (UTC)