Fic: Of Life & Love (Part IV)
Feb. 3rd, 2013 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
boxxsaltzTitle: Of Life & Love
Author: boxxsaltz
Rating: PG-13;R
Pairing(s): Jessica/Tiffany
Summary: A tale through life of love found, tested, lost, and the mending of the heart.
AN: beta credits to the lovely Kissos & mldcmx
Part IV: Midnight
“Unnie?”
Jessica’s eyes shifted, turning to acknowledge a robe clad Seohyun standing beside the bed. She could smell honey and cream – her favorite brew of coffee. Seohyun hadn’t stopped making it for her in the morning even if Jessica didn’t drink it.
“Unnie,” the mug in her hand hovered, steam rising up and hazing the view of her face.
Seohyun let out a long, weighted sigh. It never once sounded tired or annoyed or irritated. Though Jessica knew it should. For the amount of nights she had knocked on Seohyun’s apartment door, duffel bag clutched under her arm because the walls of her house taunted her too much.
She now had her own toothbrush and assorted towels in Seohyun’s bathroom. It almost made Jessica sad. The fact she couldn’t spend more than a day and a half in her own house was disheartening. But she’d rather deal with the sadness and the weight of being a burden to her newly appointed editorial assistant, than even dip her toe in the river of anguish that would submerge her when she dared to play with the thought of why she was at Seohyun’s in the first place.
The mug clinked as it rested on the night table on Jessica's claimed side of Seohyun’s bed. Yes, Seohyun’s bed. Jessica hadn’t tried to sleep on the couch since her third night there. Seohyun would drag her crying and shaking into her room anyway. Starting off between those warm covers was easier.
“Come on, unnie,” Seohyun reached out, tugging the blankets down.
Jessica flinched as cold air touched her skin. Her hands grabbed for the blankets, but Seohyun had pulled them out of her reach.
“Seohyun-ah,”
“Time to get up, unnie,” she ignored Jessica’s pout and wrapped her arms around Jessica’s legs. “You’re going to be late,”
“You’re my assistant,” she locked her legs, fighting against Seohyun’s yanks. “Call in for me,”
“You know I can’t,” Seohyun paused a moment, genuine sadness in her eyes as she let go of Jessica’s legs and stood back. “Sunbaenim isn’t happy,”
“Sunbaenim can shove it,”
“Unnie,” Seohyun groaned. A beep from the other room indicated breakfast was finished. “Please get up? Narsha-unnie needs you early,” Jessica simply nodded, watching Seohyun’s back disappear out the door.
Drawing in a breath, she resigned with herself that sitting up in bed shouldn’t be so difficult. Just throwing her legs over the edge and placing her feet on the ground shouldn’t be a task. But it was.
Her body protested every move, nerves screaming for the blankets to reach up and snatch her back into the warm confines that Jessica knew could never leave her - would never leave her.
The dull ache in her chest dropped her chin and she closed her eyes, hands running through honey colored hair. Somewhere in the weeks, she had thought dyeing it would help. Sometime or another she’d need to tell that part of her that it was full of absolute-
“Unnie, breakfast!” Seohyun called. Jessica lifted her head seeing that smiling face poke around the corner. “Breakfast,” she reminded again because she knew one time would never get Jessica out of bed.
Two usually wouldn’t either, but Jessica could feel the filth of her body sinking in and the remnants of her mistake start to creep along her body. Bile rose up in her throat when she remembered that the mistake she made the previous night used to be hers and was waking up beside someone who didn’t know how to make their coffee like Jessica did.
Coffee.
Her eyes glared down at the mug that was decorated with little bouncing rabbits all along the porcelain. Honey and cream filled Jessica’s nose, and for the first time, she thought it was the most disgusting fragrance to ever be concocted.
She almost felt sorry for the shock in Seohyun’s eyes when she saw the coffee splattered all along the floor, handle of the mug snapped off.
“Sorry,” she had muttered, grabbing her things and walking into the shower.
She almost felt sorry. Almost as sorry as she had been when she picked up Tiffany’s call the other day, opened the door to her house, and allowed arms that no longer belonged to her wrap around her.
Almost.
Such a mistake would outweigh any guilt she could easily whisk off with a couple bucks down at the dollar mart and a new mug in the dishwasher.
-/-/-/-
“Jessica, you’re in luck!”
It must’ve been, because seeing her little sister standing at the door to her office brought the first sincere smile to her lips in weeks.
It was one thing seeing her sister’s face lit up and caked with globs of make-up on TV for her solo debut a couple months ago. It was another to have her in the flesh, grinning sheepishly, and waving at Jessica like she was a shy idol in the midst of a fan.
“Krystal?” Jessica’s lashes fluttered.
“Hey, unnie,” she grinned.
“What’re you doing here?”
“I-”
“You’re covering the story, Jessica,” Narsha rattled off. Jessica cocked an eyebrow, turning to the editor in chief standing just behind her sister. “She’s here for you. We need to pick wardrobe for the photoshoot then find time to get an interview. The page runs tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” She looked up to see Seohyun just returning from grabbing them lunch. “Seohyun-ah?”
“That’s why we needed to be in early,” she said with a light frown, carrying the cartons of takeout to Jessica’s desk and sat them down. “I tried to tell you in the car.”
Jessica opened her mouth to protest but let it go. Seohyun was right. She had heard something about photoshoots and sisters and concepts amongst the chaos that whirled through Jessica’s mind like the unrelenting traffic around them.
“I hope this isn’t a problem,” Narsha pushed her glasses further up her nose. It was rare their chief editor took on such a serious demeanor.
She was the type to buy her editors drinks at the local bar, and spout of inappropriate jokes to see the boys behind the counter blush and accidently spill tequila onto the floor trying to mix their drinks.
But Jessica knew the glint in Narsha’s eyes was serious. The fact Jessica had called in sick, begging to work from home more days than she was allowed put her on Narsha’s list. And she didn’t want to be on the list. Sunhwa had been on the list and Sunhwa hadn’t been seen for a month.
Jessica shook her head. “I’m on it,”
“I know you are,” Narsha’s lips turned up in a smile. “Your autograph later?” She said to Krystal who nodded and bowed as the chief editor left.
“Okay, then,” Jessica huffed, pushing up out of her chair. She grabbed her coat. “Let’s go,”
Seohyun’s lashes fluttered. “Where are you going?”
“Wardrobe,”
“But lunch,”
“Save it for dinner tonight?” Jessica shot Seohyun an apologetic look. She needed to get out of the office. Since she walked in she needed to get out.
Seohyun nodded. “I’ll get the preparations for the interview set,”
“Thanks, Hyunnie,” Jessica grinned.
She took Krystal by the shoulder, leading her out of the office.
-/-/-/-
“You should work on your face,” said Jessica, sifting through a rack of blouses. “You can’t look mad while you’re on stage.”
“Have you ever been on stage?” Krystal countered.
“No, but,” Jessica picked up a black, sheer top and held it up to Krystal, examining it. “I can’t have the entire country thinking my sister is a stuck up, prissy, bitch who thinks she’s too good to smile.”
She handed the garment to the hovering clerk who was in charge of keeping track of the items. As much of a help he was trying to be, Jessica was all but annoyed by his presence.
Krystal scrunched her nose, arms crossing over her chest. “What’s your problem?”
“Nothing,” she picked up another item blindly and handed it over. “I’m just looking after you.”
“The company takes care of me,”
Jessica looked back over her shoulder at her sister. Her eyes took her in from head to toe. She looked healthy enough if not a little skinny. Too skinny. She’d need to tell the company to stop taking away her sister’s servings of rice.
“I guess,” she flicked her wrist and handed over another hanger. “You should take those to the counter before you drop them.” She snipped to the clerk. He nodded quietly and hurried off.
Krystal gave her a wry look. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,”
“Is it…” Her eyes shifted around before she lowered her voice hissing, “You know who?”
Jessica felt a smile come to her lips just as quickly as it was taken away. Dropping a pair of leather pants back onto the shelf, she turned to face her sister, offering a forced smile.
“I’m fine,”
“No, you’re not,” Krystal pouted. “Just the other day you were sending me texts about how much you hate Lee Soon-of-a-bitch.”
Jessica grimaced.
Krystal frowned. “Unnie,” Jessica rolled her eyes at how much Krystal’s whine resembled Seohyun’s.
She was about to say more lies about how she was moving on perfectly fine when the clerk padded back over to them.
“Could you give us a minute, please?” She asked, rudely.
The clerk narrowed his eyes a moment then decided against saying whatever retort he was building in the presence of a rising idol.
He cleared his throat. “Word has apparently gotten out that Ms. Jung is shopping here. I thought I should let you know so you could take the proper precautions.”
“Thank you,” Krystal bowed to him. Jessica wondered when she became the rude, childish, cold-hearted sister instead of the other way around. “We should go,”
“No,” Jessica sighed, picking up a new pair of leather pants. “Try one of the outfits first then we can go. I’ll look for accessories.”
Nodding, Krystal followed the clerk back to the dressing rooms after Jessica pointed out which outfit she wanted her to try on. Out the front windows of the shop, she could see a small crowd of boys with their camera-phones out, eyes scanning over the store, waiting for even a glimpse of Krystal.
Jessica smiled to herself as she moved over to the bangles and rings where she froze, grin fading.
“Who’s here?” The voice spilt into Jessica’s ears bitter. Bitter like candy gone old and spoiled.
“Oh!” The voice squeaked as the cashier explained who Krystal Jung was. “Her song is cute.”
“If you’re into that kind of thing,” the cashier muttered back. “My daughter is. She’s had it on repeat for days.”
“So has my girlfriend,”
Jessica whirled her head around, staring at the back of a bright blonde head of short hair. She couldn’t see their face, but Jessica knew. She’d know that stance, that laugh, and that sugar cookie of a voice anywhere.
There was no way Jessica could ever mistake Sunny for anyone else.
“Do you think she’d like it? It’s a surprise,” Sunny went on, holding up a bag.
Jessica looked over to the racks where the bags and pursed were hanging. It was near the place Jessica had been standing with Krystal by the blouses. Either Jessica had missed her completely or Sunny had come in when she was near the back by the pants.
However, it didn’t erase the way Jessica felt her body begin to tremble.
“I hope she’ll like it. She hasn’t been in a good mood lately,”
“No?”
“Yeah,” Sunny laughed that meaningless laugh given in small talk. “Midlife crisis. Apparently twenty-seven is the new forty.” She joked and took her card from the cashier’s fingers.
Jessica panicked as the receipt started printing. Turning away, she fumbled to replace the bangles and earrings she had taken off the rack. Behind her she heard Sunny thank the cashier and the crinkle of a bag as her purchase was handed to her.
“Unnie?”
A bracelet hit the floor and Jessica spun around to see Krystal standing in the new outfit. A chorus of muffled voices sounded through the windows as fans began to call out and cheer for their idol.
The world seemed to stop when Sunny looked over at them. Shock painted itself all over her face before an array of emotions flashed through her eyes. Jessica picked out the ones that mirrored her own. Like regret, anger, resent, and pain. But one that Jessica didn’t have was satisfaction. Her blood boiled.
“I heard you were here. Just my luck, huh?” Said Sunny, completely ignoring Jessica to focus on Krystal. “Getting ready for a photoshoot?”
“Yes,” Krystal answered stiffly. Jessica couldn’t imagine what the pictures that hit the internet later would look like.
“I’m sure they’ll turn out great,” Sunny pushed on a smile. “Your sister is a wonderful photographer.”
“She is, thank you,”
Sunny’s eyes flickered for a moment to Jessica and nothing more. It was like she was trying to pretend she wasn’t there as much as Jessica wished Sunny didn’t even exist in the first place.
“Well,” Sunny shifted the bag in her hand to the other. “Be careful out there. And good luck on your full album.”
“Thank you,” Krystal bowed.
Sunny returned it and turned away to leave. The cheers from the fans outside grew louder as the door opened then muffled their shouts again as it closed.
“Let’s go, unnie,” Krystal whispered, taking her by the wrist and pulling her away from the front of the store. “I’ve got a car waiting out the back.”
Arriving back at the building, Jessica handed everything off to Seohyun, muttered a strained apology and locked herself in the restroom.
She really should’ve called in.
-/-/-/-
It was truly pathetic of her.
Jessica knew it was. How she could sit at the booth she and Tiffany used to occupy together and not even step a foot into her house on most nights didn’t make sense. How she could easily look over at the table she had plucked a studying Hara from, sipping her Americano and not bat a lash was a little twisted.
But that may be why Jessica did it. Because the things she was still doing with Tiffany, knowing for a fact she had moved in with Sunny months ago, and was having a nice little relationship, were so twisted and made absolutely no sense.
A blur of a figure settled down into the seat across from her, disrupting Jessica’s focus on indie band setting up across the room. Before her, a carton and a spoon hit the table.
Shifting her eyes up, she met Sooyoung’s gaze. “You looked like you could use a pint,”
Jessica didn’t speak. She wasn’t in the mood to speak. Other nights she did, and other days she let Sooyoung talk to her about whatever random thing she had on her mind – mostly Japanese manga and that band, Dir En Grey or whatever, that gave Sooyoung headaches but she still found herself listening to them.
Sooyoung was a comfort to be around. In the midst of the fragrance of coffee that had only recently stopped making Jessica gag at the honey and cream, Sooyoung took her mind off things. If only for a little while.
So maybe that’s why Jessica kept coming back to the coffee shop even though the history she had built within the place occasionally come barreling down on her and choked her nearly to death.
Unlike Seohyun, who flashed Jessica sad smiles and babied her like she was absolutely incapable of living, or her job where memories of Tiffany taking her on the table, under the table, in cubicles, and behind changing curtains invaded her mind, Sooyoung was the one who could take her thoughts off tragedies. Because Sooyoung wasn’t attached to anything or anyone.
She was just that girl at the coffee shop she had known for much of her life that brought her coffee and ice cream, and let Jessica sulk like the baby she was being.
Jessica watched silently as Sooyoung peeled the top of the ice cream and picked up a spoon. She scooped out the part with the most chocolate chips on the surface and held it out to Jessica.
She merely pursed her lips, eyes staring up at Sooyoung unmoving. Today, like the other day, she thought chocolate chip ice cream was the most disgusting thing ever processed.
Sooyoung shrugged and took the spoon into her own mouth, lapping up the bit of cream that had gotten on her bottom lip.
“I thought you couldn’t eat on the job,” said Jessica, flatly.
“Breaks are free for all,”
“Ah,”
Sooyoung nodded, taking another full spoon into her mouth. “You haven’t been around in a while.” Jessica looked away.
She had been going through one of those times when the Tiffany wound was reopened and bleeding too much for her to go anywhere but work and the various places they sent her for editorial purposes.
“Should I make your usual?”
“No,”
“Something new?”
Jessica looked over at Sooyoung and cocked her eyebrow. As much as she appreciated the distraction, sometimes she wondered why Sooyoung even bothered. She was lifeless most days, unless Seohyun was with her, and even then it was Seohyun who would talk the most.
But she kept insisting so Jessica just shrugged and watched Sooyoung get up and walk away. She needed to ease herself back into coffee anyway. Black chai tea wasn’t waking her up in the mornings. Even if Seohyun said she put energizing herbs and vitamins in it to help, everyday around two o’clock on the job, Jessica felt like crashing.
A couple minutes later, a steaming mug of black coffee landed on the table, but it was the red ball Sooyoung placed down beside it that caught her eye.
“Umm…” Jessica eyed it, ignoring the coffee completely.
“Stress ball?” Said Sooyoung to Jessica’s cocked eyebrow, and slid the mug closer to her. “We keep a couple behind the register. They help during early morning rush.”
Jessica found herself smiling as Sooyoung picked it up and started squeezing the stress ball in her palm, gritting her teeth, and furrowing her eyebrow.
“See?” She grunted, using both hands to smash the ball nearly flat. The shape returned as she eased up on it. “Much better,” she ended with a smile. “Now you,”
Jessica rolled her eyes as she picked up the ball and rolled it in her hand. Eyebrows turned up, she flashed Sooyoung an uneasy look. This was stupid.
“Go on,” Sooyoung titled her chin towards it. “Squeeze it,”
Jessica pursed her lips. “You do know how that sounds, right?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” reaching across the table, she folded Jessica’s fingers around the ball and gripped so Jessica’s fingers creased into it. “Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Thank you,” Jessica weaseled her hand out of Sooyoung’s, flushing. “But, I think I can do it myself,”
“Go. Do it. Squeeze it hard,” Jessica felt her cheeks burn as she put all her strength into the stress ball and gripped it tight. “I said hard,”
“I’m humoring you. Be satisfied with that.” Jessica countered.
“Put some heart into it,” Sooyoung sighed. “No one likes a flaccid grip,”
“Oh, my god,” Jessica laughed uncomfortably.
She looked up into Sooyoung’s waiting eyes and bit her lip. This was stupid and childish, she thought as she squeezed the stress ball.
“That’s it,” Sooyoung urged, tauntingly. “More…emphatic.”
Three cups of black coffee later and sore joints, Jessica finally found a smile being tugged onto her lips and an embarrassed flush coloring her cheeks.
“See,” Sooyoung started, picking up the empty mug from Jessica’s table. “Balls can be good for something.”
Jessica hid her face in her hands, shaking her head as Sooyoung laughed and walked away.
-/-/-/-
There were moments Jessica knew she failed herself. Too many moments when she’d drive up to the house and see that familiar figure sitting on the front step of the porch.
She got out of the car, groceries in her arms, and words of dismissal on her tongue that never left her lips because Tiffany said,
“Let me help you with that,” and invited herself right on in, stoking bananas, milk, and eggs into their rightful places.
It was times like this, with Tiffany’s cinnamon scent that was now tainted with the faintest hint of chocolate, filling up the house, and her body moving around like it still belonged there that Jessica’s mind slipped.
It slipped into the fantasy, into the dream of a past reality, when Tiffany was still hers. She worked around Tiffany who shuffled over to the pantry to shelf the cereal while Jessica ducked under her arm to store the box of garbage bags on the floor.
Nostalgia hit her like a truck when her fingers brushed Tiffany’s that handed her a package of meat to be stored in the freezer, and a wave of searing heat shot through her once the top cabinet was shut on the newly bought spices. Because this was the moment.
This was that time when Tiffany would slip her hands around her waist from behind, kiss her neck, and pluck the receipt Jessica was reviewing out of her hand, letting the flimsy paper flutter to the floor.
Jessica blinked away from the receipt in her hand to look at Tiffany standing against the dishwasher. The glint in her eye told Jessica she knew it too, and she looked away. They weren’t doing this again. They couldn’t do this again.
“You look well,” said Jessica into the tense silence.
“So do you,” Tiffany shrugged. Her brow furrowed. “You look thinner,”
“I walk a lot,” Jessica lied. Her eyes flickered up to meet Tiffany’s and saw her mind process the truth behind those words then frown. Jessica cleared her throat. “How’s Sunny?”
“Fine,” Tiffany moved, pushing herself off the counter, and took a step forward. Jessica took one away from her. “She’s having a meeting with the new assistant coach.”
“You haven’t found work yet?”
“Not yet,” Tiffany took another step closer, sliding along the counter. Jessica felt her feet take her another step away.
“I don't understand why you quit,”
Tiffany shrugged again. “The new girls weren’t as good as the others,” she said, taking a long stride. Jessica felt her shoulder run into the fridge. End of the line.
“You could’ve made them good,”
She heard a light chuckle in the back of Tiffany’s throat and looked up. Warm eyes bore down into hers just inches away. Jessica held her breath as a hand pushed her shoulder, turning her body so her back was against the fridge.
“Not as good as me,”
“Right,” Jessica turned her head away, just dodging lips that were coming for hers. “You’re so great and everyone wants to be with you.”
She saw Tiffany tense out the corner of her eye. “You included,”
Her head snapped back over, angry eyes meeting Tiffany’s irritated ones. “How does Sunny feel knowing you’re here?”
Tiffany’s jaw flexed. “Don’t,”
Jessica sighed. “You need to leave,”
“Do you want me to?” Tiffany slithered and Jessica hated how Tiffany could always manipulate her emotions. “I didn’t think so,” she also hated that smug grin.
“Why do you still come here?”
“I missed you,” she stated, no hesitation.
Jessica felt her chest flutter before it began to constrict. She was reduced to being missed. The one that tapped on the back of someone’s mind, nearly out of reach, but temporarily obtainable if you tried hard enough to get it.
Heavy hands gripped her waist and Jessica found herself locked against the fridge and a pair of lips brushing her cheek.
She shivered. “We can’t keep doing this,”
“I know,” Tiffany said close to her ear.
“No more after this. It’s not fair to-” Jessica closed her eyes, voice leaving her a moment as Tiffany sucked her pulse point. “It’s not fair to Sunny.”
Curious eyes snapped up, and Jessica cursed herself for pouting at the absence of those lips on her neck. “When did you start caring about Sunny?”
“When I realized how much I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what I did.” She muttered, staring into Tiffany so she would know – so she could feel the destruction she was causing. “No matter how much I hate them.”
Tiffany’s lashes fluttered as she stared down at her. Jessica ran her hands through Tiffany’s hair, pushing it out of her face. There it was. She saw the guilt and the hurt and the worry in those eyes. It burned just as bright as Jessica’s brokenness, envy, and heartache.
“This is the last time, okay?” She whispered, tilting her chin up to brush a kiss on Tiffany’s lips.
She may not want to cast the same heartache on another, but she was selfish and sometimes she allowed her body to rule her world over anything else.
“Don’t come back,” their noses bumped together as Tiffany nodded.
Jessica closed her eyes.
-/-/-/-
“You really shouldn’t have,” said Seohyun, the frustration in her voice evident as she motioned for Jessica to sit up on the couch.
“I know,” Jessica sat up enough for Seohyun to settle onto the cushion with her thermos and a book before laying her head back onto her lap.
It was her little place of comfort she found after curling up against Seohyun in bed sometime at around four in the morning after Tiffany was gone and Jessica felt like her very breath was taken from her when she remembered she had told her it would be the last time. Though there was still a little part of her that knew different.
She was being disgustingly clingy, but all Jessica wanted was the promise of a body that wouldn’t leave her in the morning. Seohyun was the best substitute at the moment. Even if she was keeping her assistant from her novel.
Seohyun looked down at her, book forgotten and frown deep. “This needs to stop,”
“I know,” she didn’t finch as cold fingers tugged down the edge of Jessica’s shirt to show the mark Tiffany had left.
Jessica both loved and hated it. Loved it because Tiffany still felt it in her that Jessica was hers. Funny how that was also the reason Jessica hated it.
“You’re only hurting yourself,” Seohyun let the collar of her shirt fall back into place.
“I know,”
“I think I should talk to Tiffany-unnie,”
“No!” Jessica all but yelled.
“Why not?” Seohyun looked down at her, putting her book on the coffee table beside her thermos. Air rushed out of her nose in high irritation. “You can’t keep letting her in when she calls. I know it’s hard, but you need to let her go.”
Jessica stuck out her lip, turning onto her side and folded her arms. “She keeps coming to me,”
“She needs to learn too,” Seohyun sighed above her, placing a comforting hand on Jessica’s shoulder. Her thumb rubbed her skin through the fabric.
“I still love her, Seohyun-ah,” she admitted, turning back onto her back to look up at the girl.
“I know, unnie,” she ran her fingers through Jessica’s hair. “And if she still felt the same about you, she wouldn’t keep hurting you. She’d let you go…and so would you.
Jessica cringed at the truth in those words. She cringed and then she bristled. “She was mine first,”
“You’re both being selfish.” Seohyun let out a long sigh, her eyes shifting up to the ceiling. “So selfish,”
-/-/-/-
Jessica found herself sitting at the bar of the coffee shop because Sooyoung made her laugh.
It was useless holding her hand over her mouth as laughter fell off her lips. It was loud and raucous and not at all flattering, though the way Sooyoung looked at her over the coffee bar told quite different.
She was slow to sober from the laughter, throat aching and eyes the slightest bit watery as she sipped from the coffee Sooyoung placed on the counter in front of her. Black – three sugars. It was slowly becoming her favorite drink.
“You’re the first to laugh at that joke,” said Sooyoung, leaning her elbows on the counter. “Taeyeon usually hits me.”
Jessica lifted an eyebrow as she took a sip. “Taeyeon?”
“Guitar player,” she tilted her head over to the indie band Jessica often saw playing in the coffee shop. Two girls, one boy, and all acoustic.
They were the kind of band Jessica liked. Their music stayed soft and ambient unlike some of the others that played so loud Jessica couldn’t hear her own thoughts. Though at times she welcomed that.
“Jessica,”
Jessica turned her attention from the band and sneered as Sooyoung tapped a finger against her nose so whipped cream coated the tip. She shot a glare at the laughing Sooyoung who sucked the rest of the whipped cream off her finger and walked away to help a new customer who had just approached the counter.
Wiping it away, Jessica watched Sooyoung while she worked.
She watched the way she teased her customers in familiar, light banter and slyly talked them into getting the daily coffee special. She watched as her fingers picked up bottles and cartons and jugs, pouring and mixing and shaking drinks with a familiar ease.
She watched the way she worked the counter, shooting Jessica the occasional smile or wink. To those Jessica would look away and begin to mess with the ends of her scarf. Playful or not, they still made her feel uncomfortable.
It made her feel guilty. Like she was cheating on something, but that’s when Jessica remembered she was still stuck.
She was still gripping onto a fragment of Tiffany in her heart that still whispered to her at times that she was Tiffany’s. She would always be Tiffany’s. One day, she’d have Tiffany back.
Such useless, useless thoughts. Such lies. Jessica drank down the last of her coffee, letting the caffeine and sugar take away that tiny, thorn of a thought.
“Sica,”
Jessica looked up to Sooyoung and lifted her eyebrows. Sooyoung only grinned and Jessica felt herself fall victim to another person who enjoyed having their fun with her. She’d never understand what it was with those sorts of people and nicknames. But at least in Sooyoung’s banter, Jessica was allowed to play along.
“Yes, Sooyoungie?”
Sooyoung scrunched her nose. “What did you call me?”
“Nothing,” she shrugged, tracing her finger along the edge of the mug.
Sooyoung narrowed her eyes and continued. “Do you want to go out with us?” she asked. “The bands going to pack up and we’re going to go out for real drinks.”
“I don’t know,” she frowned, looking at the time.
If she were out too late, Seohyun would start messaging her, asking her if she was with Tiffany or if she was okay. It was fair she had to admit. Jessica hadn’t been all there during work.
She had just managed to not ruin the entire photoshoot by Seohyun’s attention to detail and quick response to problem. She was truly thankful for meeting that little girl in the camera store years ago.
“Aish, Sica, you never know,” Sooyoung teased but those words made Jessica stiff. Sooyoung’s mouth frowned in an apology she didn’t even know what she should be sorry for. “You don’t have to,”
Jessica shook her head, shaking away memories of pools and courtyards, and darkrooms. A healthy night out could be a good thing for her.
“Maybe one drink?”
-/-/-/-
“Another!” Sooyoung hollered.
“Would you shut up?” Taeyeon hissed beside her in the circular booth they were seated in at a piano bar Jessica didn’t even know existed.
Sooyoung pouted. “What? I just want them to keep playing.”
“So ask like a civilized person,”
“Sooyoung, civilized? Hah!”
“You, shut up, Henry,”
Jessica hide her smile behind a glass of hard liquor as Taeyeon’s percussionist, Henry, knocked his fist to Amber’s, their acoustic bassists who looked like she could be his younger brother.
“Sica!” Sooyoung yelled even though Jessica was sitting right next to her.
“Yah,” Taeyeon elbowed Sooyoung in the side. “Inside voice,”
“It’s loud as hell in here,”
“Don’t add to it,”
“Taengoo, you’re no fun,”
Jessica didn’t know if she was allowed to laugh at the way the other two band members nodded in agreement. The glare on Taeyeon’s face kept her from letting her grin peek from behind her glass.
“Go request a song, Sica,” Sooyoung pushed at her arm. Jessica couldn’t tell if this was Sooyoung letting go of her professionalism she displayed at the coffee shop, or if she was already drunk.
“Like what?”
“Anything. Oh!” Sooyoung’s eyes glimmered in a way that made Jessica sink back into the booth. “You should sing. You and Taeyeon should sing a duet.”
“Can she sing?” Asked Taeyeon, skeptical eyebrow lifting.
“No, I-“
“She sounds amazing, Taeyeonnie, you should hear her.” Sooyoung turned to her, grinning with a strange sort of fondness in her eyes. Jessica blinked away, shyly.
“No, no, I-” Her protests fell on deaf ears as Taeyeon moved out of the booth, allowing Sooyoung to push her out of it. Henry and Amber cheered them on.
“Sooyoung-ah,” Jessica whined as the barista bounced up to the MC.
“It’s useless,” Taeyeon mumbled beside her. Her light brown eyes looked Jessica up and down in a way that shouldn’t be intimidating from someone shorter than her. “I just hope you can sing.”
She’d forever hate Sooyoung for making them sing a song about cold noodles while the bar customers laughed and applauded them.
But a couple of drinks later, a light buzz, and Sooyoung slurring praises to her for not being sore about the song selection like a pouting Taeyeon, she thought she hated Sooyoung a little less. Maybe not at all. As long as the drinks kept coming and the lightness she felt in that moment would remain…if only until the morning.
-/-/-/-
She answered the phone. Jessica would always answer the phone.
She held the receiver to her ear, rolling over onto her back on the couch. The darkness of the night enveloped the living room of the house, only lit up by the LED light of the thermostat tacked up on the wall.
Jessica didn’t say a word. She could never be the one to speak first. She waited in the silence, listening to Tiffany’s breathing coming over the line. A hum in the background told Jessica she was already in her car, heater on and music playing low. It was jazz music. Tiffany always played jazz music when she was nervous.
“Jessi?”
Jessica closed her eyes, cursing her body for shivering at the way Tiffany whispered her name. She brought her hand to her mouth, feeling the sob start to ease its way into her throat. They said this was over.
“Jessi,”
She pinched her eyes shut, warding off tears she didn’t want to shed any longer. Taking in a shaky breath, she steadied herself, swallowing down the lump in her throat before she said anything.
“Hey,”
She heard Tiffany suck in a breath, seemingly taken aback by her voice. Like she hadn’t expected – or hoped – Jessica wasn’t on the line. The thought made Jessica’s chest constrict. What little threads they were still trying to hold woven together were beginning to tear.
“Are you awake?”
Jessica nodded then realized Tiffany couldn’t see her. “Yes,”
“Can I…” Tiffany trailed off and Jessica held her breath in anticipation even though she knew what was coming. Tiffany lowered her voice as if someone else could hear her. “Can I come see you?”
“Tiffany,” she groaned.
“I know what we said but…” She trailed off, whine in her voice. “I really- Jessi, I want to see you. Please?”
Jessica felt her resolve get snatched away. Her voice dropped to a breath of a whisper. “Okay,”
Breathing filled the line again, void of jazz music and the hum of an engine. The time it took Tiffany to speak again made Jessica nervous. She heard a creaking of metal followed by the slamming of a door.
“Can you let me in?” Tiffany finally spoke.
“Okay,”
Jessica placed her phone on the coffee table and rolled off the couch. Shivers snaked up her spine as her feet padded out a blind path to the front door. Grabbing the knob, she wondered if it was actually because of the cold or it was because of the way Tiffany smiled sadly down at her and left her breathless once again.
“Hi,” she said, her voice a dark husk on the wind.
Jessica blinked. “Hi,”
The fact Tiffany was bed warm from another body as she wrapped arms around Jessica’s neck, and her lips were still puffy and bruised from another’s as they shaped against hers, had become easier for Jessica to push to the back of her mind.
She had learned, as Tiffany lifted her up and led them into a bed Jessica still refused to sleep in, that letting those things stay in the dark kept the broken jigsaw puzzle of her heart from coming apart and scattering all over again.
-/-/-/-
“Why?”
Most mornings Jessica pretended to be asleep when Tiffany slipped out of bed and redressed. Most mornings she held her breath as Tiffany placed a fleeting kiss on her forehead and walked out of the house with a flimsy promise of return and a stake through Jessica’s chest when she was reminded that this wasn’t Tiffany’s place any longer.
But this morning she wanted something. She wanted understanding of what she never knew. There had been something in the way Tiffany had kissed her, had handled her, had rolled her hips, and stared into Jessica’s eyes that made her begin to wonder all over again.
Because as delicate fingers stroked her over the edge and Jessica held onto Tiffany’s eyes as her tongue lapped at intimate flesh, she had seen something new restored in those eyes Jessica hadn’t seen since college days.
And that bothered her.
“Why?” She asked again.
Tiffany blinked down at her. The way she shifted her weight and let her purse slip back off her shoulder and sink to the edge of the bed made Jessica feel like she had been anticipating this. Like she had always known Jessica was awake and was just waiting for her to say something.
A hand brushed over her face, and Jessica allowed the warmth of Tiffany’s palm pushing blonde hair from her face to sink into her a moment.
“Why what?” Tiffany took a strand of blonde between her fingers, examining it. If she liked the new color or not, Jessica didn’t know.
What Jessica did know was that the way Tiffany’s hair had grown back out so it brushed far past her shoulders and over her chest a deep shade of red made that feeling she had gotten in the night about college come flooding back.
Jessica blinked up into her eyes. “Why her?”
The strand in Tiffany’s fingers dropped, and Jessica pushed herself up to sit against the headboard. Pulling knees to her chest, she kept her eyes trained on Tiffany’s pair that dropped away from her, shifting around the room as if she were trying to find the right words.
“You promised to always tell me the truth,” Jessica added. She saw Tiffany give a playful eye roll before a deep frown tugged at lips Jessica had known the most of her life always flipped up.
“She…” She began, hands clasping together in her lap. Jessica wasn’t prepared for the blow of what Tiffany said next. “She believes in me,”
Air knocked out of her, and Jessica quickly sucked in a breath, trying to refill her lungs. Tiffany’s lashes fluttered as she looked to her, offering her an apologetic grimace but it was useless. It didn’t help Jessica at all.
“I - I always believed in you,” Jessica stuttered, her voice sounding thin and wispy.
“I know, but she…” Tiffany’s brow wrinkled in painful frustration.
She knew Tiffany didn’t want to say any more. She knew how it would hurt, and Jessica resigned with herself that’s why Tiffany never told her in the first place. Because the way Tiffany brokenly admitted to Jessica the truth of the matter left her feeling practically empty.
“She never let me settle,” she muttered and Jessica closed her eyes.
That’s what it was. That’s what she saw in Tiffany’s eyes again. She saw that life. She saw that ethereal glow behind eyes that hadn’t sparkled so bright since Tiffany’s ankle had broken.
The dull glimmer Jessica had allowed herself to be okay with as she watched Tiffany coach and teach and bring up girls who would go above and beyond had been turned up a notch. And it wasn’t because of her.
“I’m training again,” said Tiffany. Jessica let out a long, jagged breath. “That’s why I quit.”
“I thought coaching-” Jessica slowly let her eyes reopen and wished she hadn’t. Tiffany’s frown was too much. “I thought it was what you wanted,”
“I know,”
Jessica blinked, feeling the tears start to build up again. “I always supported you. Always.”
“I know,”
“I didn’t mean to fail you,” hot moisture slipped down her cheek and she flinched back as Tiffany reached over to brush it away. Tiffany withdrew her hand, placing it back in her lap, clasped with the other.
“Jessica, you didn’t,” she tried. Her hand fell against the mattress, wanting to reach out for Jessica’s but didn’t. “You didn’t. You were my everything. But Sunny…”
Jessica took in a long, shaky breath. “Okay,”
“Okay?”
Jessica nodded. “You can go,”
“Jessica, wait-”
“Bab-” she stopped herself, turning her eyes up and wincing when she saw the once vacant hole filled again. “Tiffany, please. Please, just let me go.”
Tiffany dropped her eyes. Jessica hadn’t been expecting that. She had expected Tiffany to say something more, try and add a little promise in her tone or actions to let Jessica get the hint that she would be back sooner or later. But it wasn’t there. Not even in the way she mumbled a heavy,
“This is it, you know?” Jessica had to bite her tongue to keep the whimper inside. “I won’t come back after this,”
It wasn’t until she tasted blood that she trusted herself to speak again. “You never should’ve in the first place,”
“Jess-“
“It’s my fault too,” she admitted because Seohyun was right. They were selfish. So very, very selfish and Jessica might’ve been the most selfish out of the two.
Tiffany’s eyes flickered up to hers. “I still love you,”
Jessica shook her head. “You’ll forget you ever did soon enough,”
Tiffany’s head tiled in that endearing way that would have Jessica cupping her face in her palms and kissing that confused look off her face.
“Do you think so?”
No. “Sure,” she forced on a smile. Smiles that Seohyun had taught her how to put on despite the pain she felt. Tiffany saw through it easily.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed and Jessica felt her heart quake. It was so sincere. It was so genuine and it made Jessica want to beg and plead for this not to end.
But it had to.
“Goodbye, Tiffany,” she said, tone final.
They shed no tears as their lips brushed one last time.
Jessica leaned back against her headboard, knees to her chest and arms hugging them close as the sound of the front door echoed.
-/-/-/-
She skipped work.
She ignored Seohyun’s phone calls.
And then she deleted Tiffany’s number.
The chill of the winter bit into her skin as she walked up to the coffee shop. It was late, past the closing time, she couldn’t be at home anymore, and the thought of black coffee and sugar warmed her up.
Her knuckles wrapped at the glass door. Sooyoung looked up from the display she was emptying and cocked her eyebrow when she saw Jessica standing outside.
When Sooyoung unlocked the door and let her in, she didn’t ask a single question. She returned to her work while Jessica took her place at the bar and sat.
She just sat there, silently sipping at coffee Sooyoung had to brew in the break room since all their machines had been turned off and cleaned for the night. The other coworker had left and Jessica suddenly felt apologetic for keeping Sooyoung there longer.
“I want…” Jessica stared at the black coffee gone cold. Sooyoung stopped moving the dishrag along a counter that was already spotless and shining. “I want the usual.”
A new cup was put in front of her and Jessica grimaced as the smell lifted off the steam and tickled her face. It caressed her cheeks and it wrapped around her neck reminiscent of fingers, lips, hands, and arms that had done the same to her for years. So many, many years.
“You gonna be okay?” Sooyoung asked. She had stopped trying to clean. She just stood on the other side of the bar watching Jessica and nothing more.
Jessica peeled her watery eyes away from the coffee cup still filed with honey and cream. It was cold now. Cold and tasteless.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, tears spilling over the edges of her eyes. “I don’t know,” she cried, face falling into her hands as she let them rip through her.
Sooyoung dumped the coffee out in the sink, and Jessica watched it swirl down the drain, taking the last of the hooks of Tiffany with it.
“Come here,”
Jessica felt hands on her shoulders, turning her around on the barstool. Long arms wrapped around her, pulling her into a warm embrace.
She clung onto the back of Sooyoung’s shirt, clawing at the fabric, and burying her face deep into her chest. She tugged, trying to absorb the warmth she provided into the ice that had frozen around her bones and into the frigid blackness that surrounded her heart.
Her tears soaked into Sooyoun’s shirt, mixing in with the comforting fragrance of nutmeg and vanilla. And Jessica held on. She held on and on and on as cinnamon and chocolate slowly ebbed away leaving her empty.
With Sooyoung’s hand smoothing up and down her back, arms surrounding her to keep her upright, Jessica felt herself go completely empty.
She was absolutely empty.
Part V
Author: boxxsaltz
Rating: PG-13;R
Pairing(s): Jessica/Tiffany
Summary: A tale through life of love found, tested, lost, and the mending of the heart.
AN: beta credits to the lovely Kissos & mldcmx
Part IV: Midnight
“Unnie?”
Jessica’s eyes shifted, turning to acknowledge a robe clad Seohyun standing beside the bed. She could smell honey and cream – her favorite brew of coffee. Seohyun hadn’t stopped making it for her in the morning even if Jessica didn’t drink it.
“Unnie,” the mug in her hand hovered, steam rising up and hazing the view of her face.
Seohyun let out a long, weighted sigh. It never once sounded tired or annoyed or irritated. Though Jessica knew it should. For the amount of nights she had knocked on Seohyun’s apartment door, duffel bag clutched under her arm because the walls of her house taunted her too much.
She now had her own toothbrush and assorted towels in Seohyun’s bathroom. It almost made Jessica sad. The fact she couldn’t spend more than a day and a half in her own house was disheartening. But she’d rather deal with the sadness and the weight of being a burden to her newly appointed editorial assistant, than even dip her toe in the river of anguish that would submerge her when she dared to play with the thought of why she was at Seohyun’s in the first place.
The mug clinked as it rested on the night table on Jessica's claimed side of Seohyun’s bed. Yes, Seohyun’s bed. Jessica hadn’t tried to sleep on the couch since her third night there. Seohyun would drag her crying and shaking into her room anyway. Starting off between those warm covers was easier.
“Come on, unnie,” Seohyun reached out, tugging the blankets down.
Jessica flinched as cold air touched her skin. Her hands grabbed for the blankets, but Seohyun had pulled them out of her reach.
“Seohyun-ah,”
“Time to get up, unnie,” she ignored Jessica’s pout and wrapped her arms around Jessica’s legs. “You’re going to be late,”
“You’re my assistant,” she locked her legs, fighting against Seohyun’s yanks. “Call in for me,”
“You know I can’t,” Seohyun paused a moment, genuine sadness in her eyes as she let go of Jessica’s legs and stood back. “Sunbaenim isn’t happy,”
“Sunbaenim can shove it,”
“Unnie,” Seohyun groaned. A beep from the other room indicated breakfast was finished. “Please get up? Narsha-unnie needs you early,” Jessica simply nodded, watching Seohyun’s back disappear out the door.
Drawing in a breath, she resigned with herself that sitting up in bed shouldn’t be so difficult. Just throwing her legs over the edge and placing her feet on the ground shouldn’t be a task. But it was.
Her body protested every move, nerves screaming for the blankets to reach up and snatch her back into the warm confines that Jessica knew could never leave her - would never leave her.
The dull ache in her chest dropped her chin and she closed her eyes, hands running through honey colored hair. Somewhere in the weeks, she had thought dyeing it would help. Sometime or another she’d need to tell that part of her that it was full of absolute-
“Unnie, breakfast!” Seohyun called. Jessica lifted her head seeing that smiling face poke around the corner. “Breakfast,” she reminded again because she knew one time would never get Jessica out of bed.
Two usually wouldn’t either, but Jessica could feel the filth of her body sinking in and the remnants of her mistake start to creep along her body. Bile rose up in her throat when she remembered that the mistake she made the previous night used to be hers and was waking up beside someone who didn’t know how to make their coffee like Jessica did.
Coffee.
Her eyes glared down at the mug that was decorated with little bouncing rabbits all along the porcelain. Honey and cream filled Jessica’s nose, and for the first time, she thought it was the most disgusting fragrance to ever be concocted.
She almost felt sorry for the shock in Seohyun’s eyes when she saw the coffee splattered all along the floor, handle of the mug snapped off.
“Sorry,” she had muttered, grabbing her things and walking into the shower.
She almost felt sorry. Almost as sorry as she had been when she picked up Tiffany’s call the other day, opened the door to her house, and allowed arms that no longer belonged to her wrap around her.
Almost.
Such a mistake would outweigh any guilt she could easily whisk off with a couple bucks down at the dollar mart and a new mug in the dishwasher.
-/-/-/-
“Jessica, you’re in luck!”
It must’ve been, because seeing her little sister standing at the door to her office brought the first sincere smile to her lips in weeks.
It was one thing seeing her sister’s face lit up and caked with globs of make-up on TV for her solo debut a couple months ago. It was another to have her in the flesh, grinning sheepishly, and waving at Jessica like she was a shy idol in the midst of a fan.
“Krystal?” Jessica’s lashes fluttered.
“Hey, unnie,” she grinned.
“What’re you doing here?”
“I-”
“You’re covering the story, Jessica,” Narsha rattled off. Jessica cocked an eyebrow, turning to the editor in chief standing just behind her sister. “She’s here for you. We need to pick wardrobe for the photoshoot then find time to get an interview. The page runs tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” She looked up to see Seohyun just returning from grabbing them lunch. “Seohyun-ah?”
“That’s why we needed to be in early,” she said with a light frown, carrying the cartons of takeout to Jessica’s desk and sat them down. “I tried to tell you in the car.”
Jessica opened her mouth to protest but let it go. Seohyun was right. She had heard something about photoshoots and sisters and concepts amongst the chaos that whirled through Jessica’s mind like the unrelenting traffic around them.
“I hope this isn’t a problem,” Narsha pushed her glasses further up her nose. It was rare their chief editor took on such a serious demeanor.
She was the type to buy her editors drinks at the local bar, and spout of inappropriate jokes to see the boys behind the counter blush and accidently spill tequila onto the floor trying to mix their drinks.
But Jessica knew the glint in Narsha’s eyes was serious. The fact Jessica had called in sick, begging to work from home more days than she was allowed put her on Narsha’s list. And she didn’t want to be on the list. Sunhwa had been on the list and Sunhwa hadn’t been seen for a month.
Jessica shook her head. “I’m on it,”
“I know you are,” Narsha’s lips turned up in a smile. “Your autograph later?” She said to Krystal who nodded and bowed as the chief editor left.
“Okay, then,” Jessica huffed, pushing up out of her chair. She grabbed her coat. “Let’s go,”
Seohyun’s lashes fluttered. “Where are you going?”
“Wardrobe,”
“But lunch,”
“Save it for dinner tonight?” Jessica shot Seohyun an apologetic look. She needed to get out of the office. Since she walked in she needed to get out.
Seohyun nodded. “I’ll get the preparations for the interview set,”
“Thanks, Hyunnie,” Jessica grinned.
She took Krystal by the shoulder, leading her out of the office.
-/-/-/-
“You should work on your face,” said Jessica, sifting through a rack of blouses. “You can’t look mad while you’re on stage.”
“Have you ever been on stage?” Krystal countered.
“No, but,” Jessica picked up a black, sheer top and held it up to Krystal, examining it. “I can’t have the entire country thinking my sister is a stuck up, prissy, bitch who thinks she’s too good to smile.”
She handed the garment to the hovering clerk who was in charge of keeping track of the items. As much of a help he was trying to be, Jessica was all but annoyed by his presence.
Krystal scrunched her nose, arms crossing over her chest. “What’s your problem?”
“Nothing,” she picked up another item blindly and handed it over. “I’m just looking after you.”
“The company takes care of me,”
Jessica looked back over her shoulder at her sister. Her eyes took her in from head to toe. She looked healthy enough if not a little skinny. Too skinny. She’d need to tell the company to stop taking away her sister’s servings of rice.
“I guess,” she flicked her wrist and handed over another hanger. “You should take those to the counter before you drop them.” She snipped to the clerk. He nodded quietly and hurried off.
Krystal gave her a wry look. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,”
“Is it…” Her eyes shifted around before she lowered her voice hissing, “You know who?”
Jessica felt a smile come to her lips just as quickly as it was taken away. Dropping a pair of leather pants back onto the shelf, she turned to face her sister, offering a forced smile.
“I’m fine,”
“No, you’re not,” Krystal pouted. “Just the other day you were sending me texts about how much you hate Lee Soon-of-a-bitch.”
Jessica grimaced.
Krystal frowned. “Unnie,” Jessica rolled her eyes at how much Krystal’s whine resembled Seohyun’s.
She was about to say more lies about how she was moving on perfectly fine when the clerk padded back over to them.
“Could you give us a minute, please?” She asked, rudely.
The clerk narrowed his eyes a moment then decided against saying whatever retort he was building in the presence of a rising idol.
He cleared his throat. “Word has apparently gotten out that Ms. Jung is shopping here. I thought I should let you know so you could take the proper precautions.”
“Thank you,” Krystal bowed to him. Jessica wondered when she became the rude, childish, cold-hearted sister instead of the other way around. “We should go,”
“No,” Jessica sighed, picking up a new pair of leather pants. “Try one of the outfits first then we can go. I’ll look for accessories.”
Nodding, Krystal followed the clerk back to the dressing rooms after Jessica pointed out which outfit she wanted her to try on. Out the front windows of the shop, she could see a small crowd of boys with their camera-phones out, eyes scanning over the store, waiting for even a glimpse of Krystal.
Jessica smiled to herself as she moved over to the bangles and rings where she froze, grin fading.
“Who’s here?” The voice spilt into Jessica’s ears bitter. Bitter like candy gone old and spoiled.
“Oh!” The voice squeaked as the cashier explained who Krystal Jung was. “Her song is cute.”
“If you’re into that kind of thing,” the cashier muttered back. “My daughter is. She’s had it on repeat for days.”
“So has my girlfriend,”
Jessica whirled her head around, staring at the back of a bright blonde head of short hair. She couldn’t see their face, but Jessica knew. She’d know that stance, that laugh, and that sugar cookie of a voice anywhere.
There was no way Jessica could ever mistake Sunny for anyone else.
“Do you think she’d like it? It’s a surprise,” Sunny went on, holding up a bag.
Jessica looked over to the racks where the bags and pursed were hanging. It was near the place Jessica had been standing with Krystal by the blouses. Either Jessica had missed her completely or Sunny had come in when she was near the back by the pants.
However, it didn’t erase the way Jessica felt her body begin to tremble.
“I hope she’ll like it. She hasn’t been in a good mood lately,”
“No?”
“Yeah,” Sunny laughed that meaningless laugh given in small talk. “Midlife crisis. Apparently twenty-seven is the new forty.” She joked and took her card from the cashier’s fingers.
Jessica panicked as the receipt started printing. Turning away, she fumbled to replace the bangles and earrings she had taken off the rack. Behind her she heard Sunny thank the cashier and the crinkle of a bag as her purchase was handed to her.
“Unnie?”
A bracelet hit the floor and Jessica spun around to see Krystal standing in the new outfit. A chorus of muffled voices sounded through the windows as fans began to call out and cheer for their idol.
The world seemed to stop when Sunny looked over at them. Shock painted itself all over her face before an array of emotions flashed through her eyes. Jessica picked out the ones that mirrored her own. Like regret, anger, resent, and pain. But one that Jessica didn’t have was satisfaction. Her blood boiled.
“I heard you were here. Just my luck, huh?” Said Sunny, completely ignoring Jessica to focus on Krystal. “Getting ready for a photoshoot?”
“Yes,” Krystal answered stiffly. Jessica couldn’t imagine what the pictures that hit the internet later would look like.
“I’m sure they’ll turn out great,” Sunny pushed on a smile. “Your sister is a wonderful photographer.”
“She is, thank you,”
Sunny’s eyes flickered for a moment to Jessica and nothing more. It was like she was trying to pretend she wasn’t there as much as Jessica wished Sunny didn’t even exist in the first place.
“Well,” Sunny shifted the bag in her hand to the other. “Be careful out there. And good luck on your full album.”
“Thank you,” Krystal bowed.
Sunny returned it and turned away to leave. The cheers from the fans outside grew louder as the door opened then muffled their shouts again as it closed.
“Let’s go, unnie,” Krystal whispered, taking her by the wrist and pulling her away from the front of the store. “I’ve got a car waiting out the back.”
Arriving back at the building, Jessica handed everything off to Seohyun, muttered a strained apology and locked herself in the restroom.
She really should’ve called in.
-/-/-/-
It was truly pathetic of her.
Jessica knew it was. How she could sit at the booth she and Tiffany used to occupy together and not even step a foot into her house on most nights didn’t make sense. How she could easily look over at the table she had plucked a studying Hara from, sipping her Americano and not bat a lash was a little twisted.
But that may be why Jessica did it. Because the things she was still doing with Tiffany, knowing for a fact she had moved in with Sunny months ago, and was having a nice little relationship, were so twisted and made absolutely no sense.
A blur of a figure settled down into the seat across from her, disrupting Jessica’s focus on indie band setting up across the room. Before her, a carton and a spoon hit the table.
Shifting her eyes up, she met Sooyoung’s gaze. “You looked like you could use a pint,”
Jessica didn’t speak. She wasn’t in the mood to speak. Other nights she did, and other days she let Sooyoung talk to her about whatever random thing she had on her mind – mostly Japanese manga and that band, Dir En Grey or whatever, that gave Sooyoung headaches but she still found herself listening to them.
Sooyoung was a comfort to be around. In the midst of the fragrance of coffee that had only recently stopped making Jessica gag at the honey and cream, Sooyoung took her mind off things. If only for a little while.
So maybe that’s why Jessica kept coming back to the coffee shop even though the history she had built within the place occasionally come barreling down on her and choked her nearly to death.
Unlike Seohyun, who flashed Jessica sad smiles and babied her like she was absolutely incapable of living, or her job where memories of Tiffany taking her on the table, under the table, in cubicles, and behind changing curtains invaded her mind, Sooyoung was the one who could take her thoughts off tragedies. Because Sooyoung wasn’t attached to anything or anyone.
She was just that girl at the coffee shop she had known for much of her life that brought her coffee and ice cream, and let Jessica sulk like the baby she was being.
Jessica watched silently as Sooyoung peeled the top of the ice cream and picked up a spoon. She scooped out the part with the most chocolate chips on the surface and held it out to Jessica.
She merely pursed her lips, eyes staring up at Sooyoung unmoving. Today, like the other day, she thought chocolate chip ice cream was the most disgusting thing ever processed.
Sooyoung shrugged and took the spoon into her own mouth, lapping up the bit of cream that had gotten on her bottom lip.
“I thought you couldn’t eat on the job,” said Jessica, flatly.
“Breaks are free for all,”
“Ah,”
Sooyoung nodded, taking another full spoon into her mouth. “You haven’t been around in a while.” Jessica looked away.
She had been going through one of those times when the Tiffany wound was reopened and bleeding too much for her to go anywhere but work and the various places they sent her for editorial purposes.
“Should I make your usual?”
“No,”
“Something new?”
Jessica looked over at Sooyoung and cocked her eyebrow. As much as she appreciated the distraction, sometimes she wondered why Sooyoung even bothered. She was lifeless most days, unless Seohyun was with her, and even then it was Seohyun who would talk the most.
But she kept insisting so Jessica just shrugged and watched Sooyoung get up and walk away. She needed to ease herself back into coffee anyway. Black chai tea wasn’t waking her up in the mornings. Even if Seohyun said she put energizing herbs and vitamins in it to help, everyday around two o’clock on the job, Jessica felt like crashing.
A couple minutes later, a steaming mug of black coffee landed on the table, but it was the red ball Sooyoung placed down beside it that caught her eye.
“Umm…” Jessica eyed it, ignoring the coffee completely.
“Stress ball?” Said Sooyoung to Jessica’s cocked eyebrow, and slid the mug closer to her. “We keep a couple behind the register. They help during early morning rush.”
Jessica found herself smiling as Sooyoung picked it up and started squeezing the stress ball in her palm, gritting her teeth, and furrowing her eyebrow.
“See?” She grunted, using both hands to smash the ball nearly flat. The shape returned as she eased up on it. “Much better,” she ended with a smile. “Now you,”
Jessica rolled her eyes as she picked up the ball and rolled it in her hand. Eyebrows turned up, she flashed Sooyoung an uneasy look. This was stupid.
“Go on,” Sooyoung titled her chin towards it. “Squeeze it,”
Jessica pursed her lips. “You do know how that sounds, right?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” reaching across the table, she folded Jessica’s fingers around the ball and gripped so Jessica’s fingers creased into it. “Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Thank you,” Jessica weaseled her hand out of Sooyoung’s, flushing. “But, I think I can do it myself,”
“Go. Do it. Squeeze it hard,” Jessica felt her cheeks burn as she put all her strength into the stress ball and gripped it tight. “I said hard,”
“I’m humoring you. Be satisfied with that.” Jessica countered.
“Put some heart into it,” Sooyoung sighed. “No one likes a flaccid grip,”
“Oh, my god,” Jessica laughed uncomfortably.
She looked up into Sooyoung’s waiting eyes and bit her lip. This was stupid and childish, she thought as she squeezed the stress ball.
“That’s it,” Sooyoung urged, tauntingly. “More…emphatic.”
Three cups of black coffee later and sore joints, Jessica finally found a smile being tugged onto her lips and an embarrassed flush coloring her cheeks.
“See,” Sooyoung started, picking up the empty mug from Jessica’s table. “Balls can be good for something.”
Jessica hid her face in her hands, shaking her head as Sooyoung laughed and walked away.
-/-/-/-
There were moments Jessica knew she failed herself. Too many moments when she’d drive up to the house and see that familiar figure sitting on the front step of the porch.
She got out of the car, groceries in her arms, and words of dismissal on her tongue that never left her lips because Tiffany said,
“Let me help you with that,” and invited herself right on in, stoking bananas, milk, and eggs into their rightful places.
It was times like this, with Tiffany’s cinnamon scent that was now tainted with the faintest hint of chocolate, filling up the house, and her body moving around like it still belonged there that Jessica’s mind slipped.
It slipped into the fantasy, into the dream of a past reality, when Tiffany was still hers. She worked around Tiffany who shuffled over to the pantry to shelf the cereal while Jessica ducked under her arm to store the box of garbage bags on the floor.
Nostalgia hit her like a truck when her fingers brushed Tiffany’s that handed her a package of meat to be stored in the freezer, and a wave of searing heat shot through her once the top cabinet was shut on the newly bought spices. Because this was the moment.
This was that time when Tiffany would slip her hands around her waist from behind, kiss her neck, and pluck the receipt Jessica was reviewing out of her hand, letting the flimsy paper flutter to the floor.
Jessica blinked away from the receipt in her hand to look at Tiffany standing against the dishwasher. The glint in her eye told Jessica she knew it too, and she looked away. They weren’t doing this again. They couldn’t do this again.
“You look well,” said Jessica into the tense silence.
“So do you,” Tiffany shrugged. Her brow furrowed. “You look thinner,”
“I walk a lot,” Jessica lied. Her eyes flickered up to meet Tiffany’s and saw her mind process the truth behind those words then frown. Jessica cleared her throat. “How’s Sunny?”
“Fine,” Tiffany moved, pushing herself off the counter, and took a step forward. Jessica took one away from her. “She’s having a meeting with the new assistant coach.”
“You haven’t found work yet?”
“Not yet,” Tiffany took another step closer, sliding along the counter. Jessica felt her feet take her another step away.
“I don't understand why you quit,”
Tiffany shrugged again. “The new girls weren’t as good as the others,” she said, taking a long stride. Jessica felt her shoulder run into the fridge. End of the line.
“You could’ve made them good,”
She heard a light chuckle in the back of Tiffany’s throat and looked up. Warm eyes bore down into hers just inches away. Jessica held her breath as a hand pushed her shoulder, turning her body so her back was against the fridge.
“Not as good as me,”
“Right,” Jessica turned her head away, just dodging lips that were coming for hers. “You’re so great and everyone wants to be with you.”
She saw Tiffany tense out the corner of her eye. “You included,”
Her head snapped back over, angry eyes meeting Tiffany’s irritated ones. “How does Sunny feel knowing you’re here?”
Tiffany’s jaw flexed. “Don’t,”
Jessica sighed. “You need to leave,”
“Do you want me to?” Tiffany slithered and Jessica hated how Tiffany could always manipulate her emotions. “I didn’t think so,” she also hated that smug grin.
“Why do you still come here?”
“I missed you,” she stated, no hesitation.
Jessica felt her chest flutter before it began to constrict. She was reduced to being missed. The one that tapped on the back of someone’s mind, nearly out of reach, but temporarily obtainable if you tried hard enough to get it.
Heavy hands gripped her waist and Jessica found herself locked against the fridge and a pair of lips brushing her cheek.
She shivered. “We can’t keep doing this,”
“I know,” Tiffany said close to her ear.
“No more after this. It’s not fair to-” Jessica closed her eyes, voice leaving her a moment as Tiffany sucked her pulse point. “It’s not fair to Sunny.”
Curious eyes snapped up, and Jessica cursed herself for pouting at the absence of those lips on her neck. “When did you start caring about Sunny?”
“When I realized how much I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through what I did.” She muttered, staring into Tiffany so she would know – so she could feel the destruction she was causing. “No matter how much I hate them.”
Tiffany’s lashes fluttered as she stared down at her. Jessica ran her hands through Tiffany’s hair, pushing it out of her face. There it was. She saw the guilt and the hurt and the worry in those eyes. It burned just as bright as Jessica’s brokenness, envy, and heartache.
“This is the last time, okay?” She whispered, tilting her chin up to brush a kiss on Tiffany’s lips.
She may not want to cast the same heartache on another, but she was selfish and sometimes she allowed her body to rule her world over anything else.
“Don’t come back,” their noses bumped together as Tiffany nodded.
Jessica closed her eyes.
-/-/-/-
“You really shouldn’t have,” said Seohyun, the frustration in her voice evident as she motioned for Jessica to sit up on the couch.
“I know,” Jessica sat up enough for Seohyun to settle onto the cushion with her thermos and a book before laying her head back onto her lap.
It was her little place of comfort she found after curling up against Seohyun in bed sometime at around four in the morning after Tiffany was gone and Jessica felt like her very breath was taken from her when she remembered she had told her it would be the last time. Though there was still a little part of her that knew different.
She was being disgustingly clingy, but all Jessica wanted was the promise of a body that wouldn’t leave her in the morning. Seohyun was the best substitute at the moment. Even if she was keeping her assistant from her novel.
Seohyun looked down at her, book forgotten and frown deep. “This needs to stop,”
“I know,” she didn’t finch as cold fingers tugged down the edge of Jessica’s shirt to show the mark Tiffany had left.
Jessica both loved and hated it. Loved it because Tiffany still felt it in her that Jessica was hers. Funny how that was also the reason Jessica hated it.
“You’re only hurting yourself,” Seohyun let the collar of her shirt fall back into place.
“I know,”
“I think I should talk to Tiffany-unnie,”
“No!” Jessica all but yelled.
“Why not?” Seohyun looked down at her, putting her book on the coffee table beside her thermos. Air rushed out of her nose in high irritation. “You can’t keep letting her in when she calls. I know it’s hard, but you need to let her go.”
Jessica stuck out her lip, turning onto her side and folded her arms. “She keeps coming to me,”
“She needs to learn too,” Seohyun sighed above her, placing a comforting hand on Jessica’s shoulder. Her thumb rubbed her skin through the fabric.
“I still love her, Seohyun-ah,” she admitted, turning back onto her back to look up at the girl.
“I know, unnie,” she ran her fingers through Jessica’s hair. “And if she still felt the same about you, she wouldn’t keep hurting you. She’d let you go…and so would you.
Jessica cringed at the truth in those words. She cringed and then she bristled. “She was mine first,”
“You’re both being selfish.” Seohyun let out a long sigh, her eyes shifting up to the ceiling. “So selfish,”
-/-/-/-
Jessica found herself sitting at the bar of the coffee shop because Sooyoung made her laugh.
It was useless holding her hand over her mouth as laughter fell off her lips. It was loud and raucous and not at all flattering, though the way Sooyoung looked at her over the coffee bar told quite different.
She was slow to sober from the laughter, throat aching and eyes the slightest bit watery as she sipped from the coffee Sooyoung placed on the counter in front of her. Black – three sugars. It was slowly becoming her favorite drink.
“You’re the first to laugh at that joke,” said Sooyoung, leaning her elbows on the counter. “Taeyeon usually hits me.”
Jessica lifted an eyebrow as she took a sip. “Taeyeon?”
“Guitar player,” she tilted her head over to the indie band Jessica often saw playing in the coffee shop. Two girls, one boy, and all acoustic.
They were the kind of band Jessica liked. Their music stayed soft and ambient unlike some of the others that played so loud Jessica couldn’t hear her own thoughts. Though at times she welcomed that.
“Jessica,”
Jessica turned her attention from the band and sneered as Sooyoung tapped a finger against her nose so whipped cream coated the tip. She shot a glare at the laughing Sooyoung who sucked the rest of the whipped cream off her finger and walked away to help a new customer who had just approached the counter.
Wiping it away, Jessica watched Sooyoung while she worked.
She watched the way she teased her customers in familiar, light banter and slyly talked them into getting the daily coffee special. She watched as her fingers picked up bottles and cartons and jugs, pouring and mixing and shaking drinks with a familiar ease.
She watched the way she worked the counter, shooting Jessica the occasional smile or wink. To those Jessica would look away and begin to mess with the ends of her scarf. Playful or not, they still made her feel uncomfortable.
It made her feel guilty. Like she was cheating on something, but that’s when Jessica remembered she was still stuck.
She was still gripping onto a fragment of Tiffany in her heart that still whispered to her at times that she was Tiffany’s. She would always be Tiffany’s. One day, she’d have Tiffany back.
Such useless, useless thoughts. Such lies. Jessica drank down the last of her coffee, letting the caffeine and sugar take away that tiny, thorn of a thought.
“Sica,”
Jessica looked up to Sooyoung and lifted her eyebrows. Sooyoung only grinned and Jessica felt herself fall victim to another person who enjoyed having their fun with her. She’d never understand what it was with those sorts of people and nicknames. But at least in Sooyoung’s banter, Jessica was allowed to play along.
“Yes, Sooyoungie?”
Sooyoung scrunched her nose. “What did you call me?”
“Nothing,” she shrugged, tracing her finger along the edge of the mug.
Sooyoung narrowed her eyes and continued. “Do you want to go out with us?” she asked. “The bands going to pack up and we’re going to go out for real drinks.”
“I don’t know,” she frowned, looking at the time.
If she were out too late, Seohyun would start messaging her, asking her if she was with Tiffany or if she was okay. It was fair she had to admit. Jessica hadn’t been all there during work.
She had just managed to not ruin the entire photoshoot by Seohyun’s attention to detail and quick response to problem. She was truly thankful for meeting that little girl in the camera store years ago.
“Aish, Sica, you never know,” Sooyoung teased but those words made Jessica stiff. Sooyoung’s mouth frowned in an apology she didn’t even know what she should be sorry for. “You don’t have to,”
Jessica shook her head, shaking away memories of pools and courtyards, and darkrooms. A healthy night out could be a good thing for her.
“Maybe one drink?”
-/-/-/-
“Another!” Sooyoung hollered.
“Would you shut up?” Taeyeon hissed beside her in the circular booth they were seated in at a piano bar Jessica didn’t even know existed.
Sooyoung pouted. “What? I just want them to keep playing.”
“So ask like a civilized person,”
“Sooyoung, civilized? Hah!”
“You, shut up, Henry,”
Jessica hide her smile behind a glass of hard liquor as Taeyeon’s percussionist, Henry, knocked his fist to Amber’s, their acoustic bassists who looked like she could be his younger brother.
“Sica!” Sooyoung yelled even though Jessica was sitting right next to her.
“Yah,” Taeyeon elbowed Sooyoung in the side. “Inside voice,”
“It’s loud as hell in here,”
“Don’t add to it,”
“Taengoo, you’re no fun,”
Jessica didn’t know if she was allowed to laugh at the way the other two band members nodded in agreement. The glare on Taeyeon’s face kept her from letting her grin peek from behind her glass.
“Go request a song, Sica,” Sooyoung pushed at her arm. Jessica couldn’t tell if this was Sooyoung letting go of her professionalism she displayed at the coffee shop, or if she was already drunk.
“Like what?”
“Anything. Oh!” Sooyoung’s eyes glimmered in a way that made Jessica sink back into the booth. “You should sing. You and Taeyeon should sing a duet.”
“Can she sing?” Asked Taeyeon, skeptical eyebrow lifting.
“No, I-“
“She sounds amazing, Taeyeonnie, you should hear her.” Sooyoung turned to her, grinning with a strange sort of fondness in her eyes. Jessica blinked away, shyly.
“No, no, I-” Her protests fell on deaf ears as Taeyeon moved out of the booth, allowing Sooyoung to push her out of it. Henry and Amber cheered them on.
“Sooyoung-ah,” Jessica whined as the barista bounced up to the MC.
“It’s useless,” Taeyeon mumbled beside her. Her light brown eyes looked Jessica up and down in a way that shouldn’t be intimidating from someone shorter than her. “I just hope you can sing.”
She’d forever hate Sooyoung for making them sing a song about cold noodles while the bar customers laughed and applauded them.
But a couple of drinks later, a light buzz, and Sooyoung slurring praises to her for not being sore about the song selection like a pouting Taeyeon, she thought she hated Sooyoung a little less. Maybe not at all. As long as the drinks kept coming and the lightness she felt in that moment would remain…if only until the morning.
-/-/-/-
She answered the phone. Jessica would always answer the phone.
She held the receiver to her ear, rolling over onto her back on the couch. The darkness of the night enveloped the living room of the house, only lit up by the LED light of the thermostat tacked up on the wall.
Jessica didn’t say a word. She could never be the one to speak first. She waited in the silence, listening to Tiffany’s breathing coming over the line. A hum in the background told Jessica she was already in her car, heater on and music playing low. It was jazz music. Tiffany always played jazz music when she was nervous.
“Jessi?”
Jessica closed her eyes, cursing her body for shivering at the way Tiffany whispered her name. She brought her hand to her mouth, feeling the sob start to ease its way into her throat. They said this was over.
“Jessi,”
She pinched her eyes shut, warding off tears she didn’t want to shed any longer. Taking in a shaky breath, she steadied herself, swallowing down the lump in her throat before she said anything.
“Hey,”
She heard Tiffany suck in a breath, seemingly taken aback by her voice. Like she hadn’t expected – or hoped – Jessica wasn’t on the line. The thought made Jessica’s chest constrict. What little threads they were still trying to hold woven together were beginning to tear.
“Are you awake?”
Jessica nodded then realized Tiffany couldn’t see her. “Yes,”
“Can I…” Tiffany trailed off and Jessica held her breath in anticipation even though she knew what was coming. Tiffany lowered her voice as if someone else could hear her. “Can I come see you?”
“Tiffany,” she groaned.
“I know what we said but…” She trailed off, whine in her voice. “I really- Jessi, I want to see you. Please?”
Jessica felt her resolve get snatched away. Her voice dropped to a breath of a whisper. “Okay,”
Breathing filled the line again, void of jazz music and the hum of an engine. The time it took Tiffany to speak again made Jessica nervous. She heard a creaking of metal followed by the slamming of a door.
“Can you let me in?” Tiffany finally spoke.
“Okay,”
Jessica placed her phone on the coffee table and rolled off the couch. Shivers snaked up her spine as her feet padded out a blind path to the front door. Grabbing the knob, she wondered if it was actually because of the cold or it was because of the way Tiffany smiled sadly down at her and left her breathless once again.
“Hi,” she said, her voice a dark husk on the wind.
Jessica blinked. “Hi,”
The fact Tiffany was bed warm from another body as she wrapped arms around Jessica’s neck, and her lips were still puffy and bruised from another’s as they shaped against hers, had become easier for Jessica to push to the back of her mind.
She had learned, as Tiffany lifted her up and led them into a bed Jessica still refused to sleep in, that letting those things stay in the dark kept the broken jigsaw puzzle of her heart from coming apart and scattering all over again.
-/-/-/-
“Why?”
Most mornings Jessica pretended to be asleep when Tiffany slipped out of bed and redressed. Most mornings she held her breath as Tiffany placed a fleeting kiss on her forehead and walked out of the house with a flimsy promise of return and a stake through Jessica’s chest when she was reminded that this wasn’t Tiffany’s place any longer.
But this morning she wanted something. She wanted understanding of what she never knew. There had been something in the way Tiffany had kissed her, had handled her, had rolled her hips, and stared into Jessica’s eyes that made her begin to wonder all over again.
Because as delicate fingers stroked her over the edge and Jessica held onto Tiffany’s eyes as her tongue lapped at intimate flesh, she had seen something new restored in those eyes Jessica hadn’t seen since college days.
And that bothered her.
“Why?” She asked again.
Tiffany blinked down at her. The way she shifted her weight and let her purse slip back off her shoulder and sink to the edge of the bed made Jessica feel like she had been anticipating this. Like she had always known Jessica was awake and was just waiting for her to say something.
A hand brushed over her face, and Jessica allowed the warmth of Tiffany’s palm pushing blonde hair from her face to sink into her a moment.
“Why what?” Tiffany took a strand of blonde between her fingers, examining it. If she liked the new color or not, Jessica didn’t know.
What Jessica did know was that the way Tiffany’s hair had grown back out so it brushed far past her shoulders and over her chest a deep shade of red made that feeling she had gotten in the night about college come flooding back.
Jessica blinked up into her eyes. “Why her?”
The strand in Tiffany’s fingers dropped, and Jessica pushed herself up to sit against the headboard. Pulling knees to her chest, she kept her eyes trained on Tiffany’s pair that dropped away from her, shifting around the room as if she were trying to find the right words.
“You promised to always tell me the truth,” Jessica added. She saw Tiffany give a playful eye roll before a deep frown tugged at lips Jessica had known the most of her life always flipped up.
“She…” She began, hands clasping together in her lap. Jessica wasn’t prepared for the blow of what Tiffany said next. “She believes in me,”
Air knocked out of her, and Jessica quickly sucked in a breath, trying to refill her lungs. Tiffany’s lashes fluttered as she looked to her, offering her an apologetic grimace but it was useless. It didn’t help Jessica at all.
“I - I always believed in you,” Jessica stuttered, her voice sounding thin and wispy.
“I know, but she…” Tiffany’s brow wrinkled in painful frustration.
She knew Tiffany didn’t want to say any more. She knew how it would hurt, and Jessica resigned with herself that’s why Tiffany never told her in the first place. Because the way Tiffany brokenly admitted to Jessica the truth of the matter left her feeling practically empty.
“She never let me settle,” she muttered and Jessica closed her eyes.
That’s what it was. That’s what she saw in Tiffany’s eyes again. She saw that life. She saw that ethereal glow behind eyes that hadn’t sparkled so bright since Tiffany’s ankle had broken.
The dull glimmer Jessica had allowed herself to be okay with as she watched Tiffany coach and teach and bring up girls who would go above and beyond had been turned up a notch. And it wasn’t because of her.
“I’m training again,” said Tiffany. Jessica let out a long, jagged breath. “That’s why I quit.”
“I thought coaching-” Jessica slowly let her eyes reopen and wished she hadn’t. Tiffany’s frown was too much. “I thought it was what you wanted,”
“I know,”
Jessica blinked, feeling the tears start to build up again. “I always supported you. Always.”
“I know,”
“I didn’t mean to fail you,” hot moisture slipped down her cheek and she flinched back as Tiffany reached over to brush it away. Tiffany withdrew her hand, placing it back in her lap, clasped with the other.
“Jessica, you didn’t,” she tried. Her hand fell against the mattress, wanting to reach out for Jessica’s but didn’t. “You didn’t. You were my everything. But Sunny…”
Jessica took in a long, shaky breath. “Okay,”
“Okay?”
Jessica nodded. “You can go,”
“Jessica, wait-”
“Bab-” she stopped herself, turning her eyes up and wincing when she saw the once vacant hole filled again. “Tiffany, please. Please, just let me go.”
Tiffany dropped her eyes. Jessica hadn’t been expecting that. She had expected Tiffany to say something more, try and add a little promise in her tone or actions to let Jessica get the hint that she would be back sooner or later. But it wasn’t there. Not even in the way she mumbled a heavy,
“This is it, you know?” Jessica had to bite her tongue to keep the whimper inside. “I won’t come back after this,”
It wasn’t until she tasted blood that she trusted herself to speak again. “You never should’ve in the first place,”
“Jess-“
“It’s my fault too,” she admitted because Seohyun was right. They were selfish. So very, very selfish and Jessica might’ve been the most selfish out of the two.
Tiffany’s eyes flickered up to hers. “I still love you,”
Jessica shook her head. “You’ll forget you ever did soon enough,”
Tiffany’s head tiled in that endearing way that would have Jessica cupping her face in her palms and kissing that confused look off her face.
“Do you think so?”
No. “Sure,” she forced on a smile. Smiles that Seohyun had taught her how to put on despite the pain she felt. Tiffany saw through it easily.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed and Jessica felt her heart quake. It was so sincere. It was so genuine and it made Jessica want to beg and plead for this not to end.
But it had to.
“Goodbye, Tiffany,” she said, tone final.
They shed no tears as their lips brushed one last time.
Jessica leaned back against her headboard, knees to her chest and arms hugging them close as the sound of the front door echoed.
-/-/-/-
She skipped work.
She ignored Seohyun’s phone calls.
And then she deleted Tiffany’s number.
The chill of the winter bit into her skin as she walked up to the coffee shop. It was late, past the closing time, she couldn’t be at home anymore, and the thought of black coffee and sugar warmed her up.
Her knuckles wrapped at the glass door. Sooyoung looked up from the display she was emptying and cocked her eyebrow when she saw Jessica standing outside.
When Sooyoung unlocked the door and let her in, she didn’t ask a single question. She returned to her work while Jessica took her place at the bar and sat.
She just sat there, silently sipping at coffee Sooyoung had to brew in the break room since all their machines had been turned off and cleaned for the night. The other coworker had left and Jessica suddenly felt apologetic for keeping Sooyoung there longer.
“I want…” Jessica stared at the black coffee gone cold. Sooyoung stopped moving the dishrag along a counter that was already spotless and shining. “I want the usual.”
A new cup was put in front of her and Jessica grimaced as the smell lifted off the steam and tickled her face. It caressed her cheeks and it wrapped around her neck reminiscent of fingers, lips, hands, and arms that had done the same to her for years. So many, many years.
“You gonna be okay?” Sooyoung asked. She had stopped trying to clean. She just stood on the other side of the bar watching Jessica and nothing more.
Jessica peeled her watery eyes away from the coffee cup still filed with honey and cream. It was cold now. Cold and tasteless.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, tears spilling over the edges of her eyes. “I don’t know,” she cried, face falling into her hands as she let them rip through her.
Sooyoung dumped the coffee out in the sink, and Jessica watched it swirl down the drain, taking the last of the hooks of Tiffany with it.
“Come here,”
Jessica felt hands on her shoulders, turning her around on the barstool. Long arms wrapped around her, pulling her into a warm embrace.
She clung onto the back of Sooyoung’s shirt, clawing at the fabric, and burying her face deep into her chest. She tugged, trying to absorb the warmth she provided into the ice that had frozen around her bones and into the frigid blackness that surrounded her heart.
Her tears soaked into Sooyoun’s shirt, mixing in with the comforting fragrance of nutmeg and vanilla. And Jessica held on. She held on and on and on as cinnamon and chocolate slowly ebbed away leaving her empty.
With Sooyoung’s hand smoothing up and down her back, arms surrounding her to keep her upright, Jessica felt herself go completely empty.
She was absolutely empty.
Part V
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-02-03 06:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-03 07:11 am (UTC)So well done, but please stop pulling the string that makes me sad, puppet master.
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Date: 2013-02-03 12:31 pm (UTC);_____________;
no subject
Date: 2013-02-04 03:41 am (UTC)Omg i see taengsic...
this is a desaster !!!
please use glue to put my heart together T,T
</3 is so broken right now... my tears. anyway lol this is so good. I love it, these feels i dont know what to do with them. ps bazza will have to deal with my feels (you know the fic and everything) please dont tell T^T